I know this was written a while ago but I found it and I don’t think I have read a piece that speaks to me more resonantly about anger, about my martyrdom, about the the way I feel utterly heartbroken by the way I show up to Mother a huge part of the time because I’ve subconsciously ‘agreed’ to parent in a totally broken system. I feel every ounce of this… thank you xxx
After I put this out I read this Wikipedia entry: "Blue Monday is the name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) said by a UK travel company, Sky Travel, to be the most depressing day of the year." So we're right on target :)
Thank you for giving voice to what so many of us are experiencing. Have shared with several people (as I sit at home with kids due to yet another Covid school closure.)
Thank you, Davyne... it's tricky. I am so lucky--but "who am I to complain" becomes a trap unto itself. Privilege makes many things run smoother, but life remains complex. We have to find ways to keep communicating, even if we feel we don't deserve to. Probably that's where the tension is.
“Here are two insights I got from the pages last week: Natalie sees my mother and husbands’ professional successes and wants some for herself. Daisy remembers the pain of an absent parent, so she smothers her kids. Both of them make perfect sense.”
Thank you, this has enlightened something in me ❤️
One, I always wonder how altruistic and how selfish it is, to one day decide to have kids. It's obviously both. I sometimes look back thinking "If I had known, would I have become a mum? The best answer I can find is a mix of two French words, oui and non, resulting in a "Noui." Only one letter from the negative and the whole of the positive answer.
Two, children are the best therapists ever and the worst: they force us to face, sooner or later, all that we had tried to put under the rug and never look at again, about ourselves. We suddenly, while facing our kids, have to face ourselves too and mostly improvise or , if we have time to brainstorm, it's usually too late for that particular issue and the next one will be another of those lovely surprises (aka kick in the stomach).
Three, desire. I think we always end up desiring what we don't have, or had, or will never have or never have again. So it leads to (for me) idealising bits and pieces of others' lives. I try to work on that (with bionella, the health bio vegan nutella).
Four, guilt. Guilt is what imo makes us take the worst and the best decisions as a a parent. We dont' always behave well because we feel it deep down inside and from the heart, ethics and good education or intuitions; but also because we know what is expected from us or because we feel bad as the moment before we screwed up, wondering if we damaged our child's potential FOREVER (example of mine: "Ho my God. I just told him something that will castrate him long term.).
Five: haaaa ANGER. I think all of the above points can trigger stages of anger within us. Feeling trapped, frustrated, incomplete, tired, guilty, unsure. And, passed 45 yo, realising that ageing is on the way.
But I also believe that we are primarily angry at ourselves. We reproach ourselves, the failures our kids, their mistakes, etcetc. It's again, always bringing us back to ourselves. And it's very important, to try to admit our part of responsibility in generating anger. I once watched a video of this Indian yoga Master who explained that we are responsible for not letting someone's anger poison us - underlining that anger is a poison we produce against ourselves, one of the most dangerous and destructive, and that at some point we throw it at other people, like wanting to spread this poison though unaware of it.
It did change my vision of anger. I try, from an early stage, to break it in tiny pieces, to try to understand where it comes from inside of me, what has triggered it. Elisabeth Badinter said we can only be the parents our own parents allowed us to be: accepting parenting is an ongoing failure with tiny successes that can feel amazing. Accepting, really.
Beautiful. I must admit, when the pandemic hit, I looked at Ava (15) and thought "Thank God you are not 3." I honestly don't know how parents of young kids are doing it. Back in regular times, I felt many of the things you describe as the mother of a young child. My chocolate/vodka was mostly pills. They worked until they really did not. I kept having to learn that it was okay to be less than my internal ideal of a mom- always energetic, ready to play, fun and funny. Those moments with the kid(s) that they will remember and hold inside (the monopoly on the snow day, the intimate car ride) do not have to come on a daily, or even weekly basis. One here and there will do the trick.
When Ava was about 5, and I was hanging on to a couple of threads that dangled from the end of the rope, I instituted the "mommy nap." This was a thing that could happen at any time of the day and lasted at least an hour. I would go into my room, close the door and sleep. Another adult, or the television would be in charge. I could only be disturbed in emergency. I still use the mommy nap, though now, no one really cares when I go down for an hour. You are more of a worker than napper, so you'd use your time differently, I imagine.
For what it's worth, I and much of my generation were raised on television. Back in the 70's parents were not under the same pressure to be cultivating constantly enriched childhoods.
(No doubt they felt other pressures-no one gets out of this alive.) I would say my pals and I have come out okay. No one regrets the television time.
I know this was written a while ago but I found it and I don’t think I have read a piece that speaks to me more resonantly about anger, about my martyrdom, about the the way I feel utterly heartbroken by the way I show up to Mother a huge part of the time because I’ve subconsciously ‘agreed’ to parent in a totally broken system. I feel every ounce of this… thank you xxx
I am so glad to be connected to you! And honored you’re here.
STOP MAKING ME CRY! Please don’t stop.
Hits so many chords. But also, made me feel a bit less isolated in the dark feelings I had this week. 💗
After I put this out I read this Wikipedia entry: "Blue Monday is the name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) said by a UK travel company, Sky Travel, to be the most depressing day of the year." So we're right on target :)
YES. Every word in this resonates. Beautiful and cathartic.
Thank you so much for reading and responding. It means a lot.
Thank you for giving voice to what so many of us are experiencing. Have shared with several people (as I sit at home with kids due to yet another Covid school closure.)
Really beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
I'm so grateful to you for you always reading these. Many, many thanks.
Thank you! I’m continually inspired by your writing. It motivates me to reflect on my own behavior in a much healthier manner than I usually do.
fierce and brave when you write about your perspective of privilege- maybe more of that could resonate further into the world
Thank you, Davyne... it's tricky. I am so lucky--but "who am I to complain" becomes a trap unto itself. Privilege makes many things run smoother, but life remains complex. We have to find ways to keep communicating, even if we feel we don't deserve to. Probably that's where the tension is.
I’m so glad you’re here!!
Wow. Really resonate with this:
“Here are two insights I got from the pages last week: Natalie sees my mother and husbands’ professional successes and wants some for herself. Daisy remembers the pain of an absent parent, so she smothers her kids. Both of them make perfect sense.”
Thank you, this has enlightened something in me ❤️
Beautiful! What a perfect depiction of so many mothers’ experiences.. Please keep writing!
I loved this set of thoughts of yours!
One, I always wonder how altruistic and how selfish it is, to one day decide to have kids. It's obviously both. I sometimes look back thinking "If I had known, would I have become a mum? The best answer I can find is a mix of two French words, oui and non, resulting in a "Noui." Only one letter from the negative and the whole of the positive answer.
Two, children are the best therapists ever and the worst: they force us to face, sooner or later, all that we had tried to put under the rug and never look at again, about ourselves. We suddenly, while facing our kids, have to face ourselves too and mostly improvise or , if we have time to brainstorm, it's usually too late for that particular issue and the next one will be another of those lovely surprises (aka kick in the stomach).
Three, desire. I think we always end up desiring what we don't have, or had, or will never have or never have again. So it leads to (for me) idealising bits and pieces of others' lives. I try to work on that (with bionella, the health bio vegan nutella).
Four, guilt. Guilt is what imo makes us take the worst and the best decisions as a a parent. We dont' always behave well because we feel it deep down inside and from the heart, ethics and good education or intuitions; but also because we know what is expected from us or because we feel bad as the moment before we screwed up, wondering if we damaged our child's potential FOREVER (example of mine: "Ho my God. I just told him something that will castrate him long term.).
Five: haaaa ANGER. I think all of the above points can trigger stages of anger within us. Feeling trapped, frustrated, incomplete, tired, guilty, unsure. And, passed 45 yo, realising that ageing is on the way.
But I also believe that we are primarily angry at ourselves. We reproach ourselves, the failures our kids, their mistakes, etcetc. It's again, always bringing us back to ourselves. And it's very important, to try to admit our part of responsibility in generating anger. I once watched a video of this Indian yoga Master who explained that we are responsible for not letting someone's anger poison us - underlining that anger is a poison we produce against ourselves, one of the most dangerous and destructive, and that at some point we throw it at other people, like wanting to spread this poison though unaware of it.
It did change my vision of anger. I try, from an early stage, to break it in tiny pieces, to try to understand where it comes from inside of me, what has triggered it. Elisabeth Badinter said we can only be the parents our own parents allowed us to be: accepting parenting is an ongoing failure with tiny successes that can feel amazing. Accepting, really.
Beautiful. I must admit, when the pandemic hit, I looked at Ava (15) and thought "Thank God you are not 3." I honestly don't know how parents of young kids are doing it. Back in regular times, I felt many of the things you describe as the mother of a young child. My chocolate/vodka was mostly pills. They worked until they really did not. I kept having to learn that it was okay to be less than my internal ideal of a mom- always energetic, ready to play, fun and funny. Those moments with the kid(s) that they will remember and hold inside (the monopoly on the snow day, the intimate car ride) do not have to come on a daily, or even weekly basis. One here and there will do the trick.
When Ava was about 5, and I was hanging on to a couple of threads that dangled from the end of the rope, I instituted the "mommy nap." This was a thing that could happen at any time of the day and lasted at least an hour. I would go into my room, close the door and sleep. Another adult, or the television would be in charge. I could only be disturbed in emergency. I still use the mommy nap, though now, no one really cares when I go down for an hour. You are more of a worker than napper, so you'd use your time differently, I imagine.
For what it's worth, I and much of my generation were raised on television. Back in the 70's parents were not under the same pressure to be cultivating constantly enriched childhoods.
(No doubt they felt other pressures-no one gets out of this alive.) I would say my pals and I have come out okay. No one regrets the television time.