Beautifully written. I work a lot of nights at the hospital so silence is something I’ve had to learn to be alright with, little talking and a lot of machines. I lost my mom in November unexpectedly, the last conversation I had was so brief and a phone call. it’s hard being a nurse and having to face these things, especially what we didn’t get to do and now it become my biggest wish to make sure families get the time they desire and I think even more so seeing there belief (most of the time anyway) in something beyond us.
Lorraine, I'm so sorry about your mom. The first year is really hard. I used to volunteer at a hospital in Houston for people who'd just gotten bone marrow transplants. It was a strange atmosphere: suspended and so still, but also constant beeping and the hum of machines. I remember leaving and feeling like I'd never been more tired--you are doing such important work. Those folks are lucky to have you.
Noha, you are the best. I so appreciate you. This was the first piece I wrote and published in the same day... a revolution for this perfectionist! We don't actually stand vigil over the altar, at least not at the church I've been attending. The vigil is held in a small room behind it... sorry that wasn't clear. My guess is some congregations do a vigil in the church itself, though probably in the pews. Maybe some even do it in the church graveyard! I might go back to that next year, I kind of enjoyed myself :)
Oh Isabel- how do you do it? You capture the ineffable so beautifully! This annual night of emptiness is always so special to me - I’m thrilled I could share it with you in more ways than one!🙏
I love every word you wrote. I feel close to my mom when I go into a goodwill. She loved rummaging through things and talking to people. The one near me in my less than diverse community is the only island of colorful people so I go…
Oh my goodness, the smell of goodwill! How is it always the same, in any city in any state? I guess because it's a home for so many items from home, on their way to a new home. There's a texture in the air, too. I can see why it's vivid in the old memory palace.
"It's good to sit with that open hole for a couple of days. Especially alone. Especially when the emptiness feels total."
Alone we rediscover our "island of self" as Buddha expressed it. The tenderness in you comes through your writing- whether in questions or statements. Thank you
What a beautiful ritual to keep vigil through the night. I love that you volunteer for that. I also loved, "It's good to sit with that open hole for a couple of days. Especially alone. Especially when the emptiness feels total." Thank you for always bringing us in so close to all of these spectacularly magical practices you participate in. I could feel the cool air in my lungs, my own open hole, and the stillness that only comes at night. What a gorgeous wonder you are, thank you. I'm so grateful.
Oh yes, magic practices. I cannot imagine life without them, and I know you feel that, too. Your comment got me thinking... would you ever do an altar-building workshop? I'd love to hear you explain how you make spaces feel so imbued with mysticism and meaning.
I love that Clyde was baptized outdoors in the river. I can’t think of a more natural way to experience full immersion according to the Orthodox Christian faith. My baptism took place in a metal horse trough so that I could achieve full immersion, lol, which obviously left something to be desired. I certainly felt connected to the whole ‘born in a manger’ theme. I wonder what your Pappy would have said about my experience of horse trough as baptismal font — I’m certain he would have commented something that would make me laugh out loud. He is so alive in you, Isabel. Happy Easter
Can you please write this down?? Perhaps you already have? How old were you? Clearly old enough to remember! Clyde was three and so he has some memories of his baptism, and they always make him smile. We are waiting to baptize Bruce so he can have it as part of his personal mythology, too. It helps that I don't think the unbaptized end up in Hell. :)
I was in my late twenties or early thirties, lol. I have lost track of time. But that is why the full-sized horse trough because I was an adult human :) I have not written it down, nor have I ever told anyone that amusing thing; my priest and husband and sponsors were the only witnesses. Your story made me think of it! Perhaps you can incorporate that personal history into one of your future characters - it would be an honor.
Donna, I so appreciate you saying so. I always feel shy writing about my faith, which still feels private and unformed--even if I have tremendous certainty around some things. Maybe that's just the way faith feels. You wrote me a note of real encouragement after a similar reflection, which I put out at Christmas time. It gave me the courage to do this one.
How lovely that I was able to offer encouragement, that’s awesome! I’m not an expert on faith but I sense that for it to be true it may need to remain unformed because as soon as it’s formed we stop being curious about it.
Yeah that one surprised me when it emerged. I don't think about that afternoon very much, but it really is right at the edge of my heart, always. I'm so grateful for your readership, Violet. It means a lot to be so thoughtfully witnessed.
My favorite weekend! It feels especially celebratory this year being a little later in the season, so the trees are flowering and the daffodils are out. All's well :)
Beautifully written. I work a lot of nights at the hospital so silence is something I’ve had to learn to be alright with, little talking and a lot of machines. I lost my mom in November unexpectedly, the last conversation I had was so brief and a phone call. it’s hard being a nurse and having to face these things, especially what we didn’t get to do and now it become my biggest wish to make sure families get the time they desire and I think even more so seeing there belief (most of the time anyway) in something beyond us.
Lorraine, I'm so sorry about your mom. The first year is really hard. I used to volunteer at a hospital in Houston for people who'd just gotten bone marrow transplants. It was a strange atmosphere: suspended and so still, but also constant beeping and the hum of machines. I remember leaving and feeling like I'd never been more tired--you are doing such important work. Those folks are lucky to have you.
Thank you to nurses who midwifery family members who need permission to be with their loved one. I appreciate you and your words.
I was only ever in a sea of love. How profoundly I needed to hear that today! Thank you, Isabel. xo
Pappy taught me ❤️
Pappy was good. xo
Me too. I need to remember that
This is a stunning piece. I know o say this about all your pieces but my God, this one is something else.
And standing watch over the altar… fascinating. Is this a common tradition? I’ve never heard of it before and sounds intense in all the best ways.
Noha, you are the best. I so appreciate you. This was the first piece I wrote and published in the same day... a revolution for this perfectionist! We don't actually stand vigil over the altar, at least not at the church I've been attending. The vigil is held in a small room behind it... sorry that wasn't clear. My guess is some congregations do a vigil in the church itself, though probably in the pews. Maybe some even do it in the church graveyard! I might go back to that next year, I kind of enjoyed myself :)
Oh Isabel- how do you do it? You capture the ineffable so beautifully! This annual night of emptiness is always so special to me - I’m thrilled I could share it with you in more ways than one!🙏
We are beyond lucky to have such a beautiful place & such a grounded and loving community. Happy to see you today, too :)
I love every word you wrote. I feel close to my mom when I go into a goodwill. She loved rummaging through things and talking to people. The one near me in my less than diverse community is the only island of colorful people so I go…
Oh my goodness, the smell of goodwill! How is it always the same, in any city in any state? I guess because it's a home for so many items from home, on their way to a new home. There's a texture in the air, too. I can see why it's vivid in the old memory palace.
Beautiful 🙌💗
Thank you, Madison! Grateful for you.
"It's good to sit with that open hole for a couple of days. Especially alone. Especially when the emptiness feels total."
Alone we rediscover our "island of self" as Buddha expressed it. The tenderness in you comes through your writing- whether in questions or statements. Thank you
I need to hear this. Heading to my retreat and feeling like I want to balk. The island of self is a little intimidating :)
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I was only ever in a sea of love.
Emma, THANK YOU.
This is incredibly beautiful. The silence is profound but as you say it is where the chasm opens.
Abby, I'm so grateful to you for reading & commenting. Thank you.
“I was only ever in a sea of love.” 🥹
What a beautiful ritual to keep vigil through the night. I love that you volunteer for that. I also loved, "It's good to sit with that open hole for a couple of days. Especially alone. Especially when the emptiness feels total." Thank you for always bringing us in so close to all of these spectacularly magical practices you participate in. I could feel the cool air in my lungs, my own open hole, and the stillness that only comes at night. What a gorgeous wonder you are, thank you. I'm so grateful.
Oh yes, magic practices. I cannot imagine life without them, and I know you feel that, too. Your comment got me thinking... would you ever do an altar-building workshop? I'd love to hear you explain how you make spaces feel so imbued with mysticism and meaning.
I would! I could! I haven't thought about it before but that might be a fun project to take on 😍
I love that Clyde was baptized outdoors in the river. I can’t think of a more natural way to experience full immersion according to the Orthodox Christian faith. My baptism took place in a metal horse trough so that I could achieve full immersion, lol, which obviously left something to be desired. I certainly felt connected to the whole ‘born in a manger’ theme. I wonder what your Pappy would have said about my experience of horse trough as baptismal font — I’m certain he would have commented something that would make me laugh out loud. He is so alive in you, Isabel. Happy Easter
Can you please write this down?? Perhaps you already have? How old were you? Clearly old enough to remember! Clyde was three and so he has some memories of his baptism, and they always make him smile. We are waiting to baptize Bruce so he can have it as part of his personal mythology, too. It helps that I don't think the unbaptized end up in Hell. :)
I was in my late twenties or early thirties, lol. I have lost track of time. But that is why the full-sized horse trough because I was an adult human :) I have not written it down, nor have I ever told anyone that amusing thing; my priest and husband and sponsors were the only witnesses. Your story made me think of it! Perhaps you can incorporate that personal history into one of your future characters - it would be an honor.
Well done Isabel, this is an amazing essay. Happy Easter!
Donna, I so appreciate you saying so. I always feel shy writing about my faith, which still feels private and unformed--even if I have tremendous certainty around some things. Maybe that's just the way faith feels. You wrote me a note of real encouragement after a similar reflection, which I put out at Christmas time. It gave me the courage to do this one.
How lovely that I was able to offer encouragement, that’s awesome! I’m not an expert on faith but I sense that for it to be true it may need to remain unformed because as soon as it’s formed we stop being curious about it.
lovely words lovlier human Happy Easter💫💥 (April)
And to you and yours--don't let those dogs loose on the egg hunt!
You pulled the rug out from under me abt the last time you saw your Pappy 😭 BEAUTIFUL X A MILLION per usual 🫶🏻
Yeah that one surprised me when it emerged. I don't think about that afternoon very much, but it really is right at the edge of my heart, always. I'm so grateful for your readership, Violet. It means a lot to be so thoughtfully witnessed.
❤️❤️❤️
AMEN! Love this and also love this weekend - thank you for sharing 🙏
My favorite weekend! It feels especially celebratory this year being a little later in the season, so the trees are flowering and the daffodils are out. All's well :)
You have no idea how much i needed to read this! Your words touch the soul, thank you 🤎
I am honored to hear that! Thank you, Francine.