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Noha Beshir's avatar

Well this is the post I've been waiting for ever since that "I never got there" text... I had so many visceral reactions, not only to this essay but to the whole incredible adventure from the moment you said you were going on a silent retreat until I finished this essay. I'm sitting with my reactions, observing how I felt at each turn and trying to understand what that says about the current state of my own spirituality. Let me explain:

As soon as anyone does something insane/cool/deeply spiritual, my first instinct is to berate myself for not doing that thing or my version of that thing. This was what I felt when I first read you were going on a silent retreat. Then, recognizing that feeling as unhelpful, I circled myself back to curiosity and wanting to hear from you about how it went when it was over.

Reading that it didn't happen, there was a part of me that was relieved - like "Thank God she didn't go because now I'm not a terrible person" !!!!! WHAT IS THAT!!!??? (I really do hate the ego and I think my life's work is going to be continuing to wrestle with mine in all the moments that are not actually about me heheheh)...

Now, reading this essay and understanding how the whole thing unfolded, I am more relieved and settled with the whole thing. My mom in law uses this Arabic expression that says something like "ease is a sign that we have permission". As in, when something just flows well, take it to mean that God is telling you to go ahead with it. And the opposite of that can be true. The universe was sending you sign after sign. This is not for you. You don't need to go. You experience the holy in so many other moments. Go home. That electric car really did you in though. My God.

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Donna McArthur's avatar

I love it when the timing is perfect! I am leaving tomorrow to go meet my oldest friends and we will laugh and admire each other wrinkles as we float with our pool noodle and solve the world's problems. It will be holy adjacent for sure.

Great essay Isabel.

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