Well this is the post I've been waiting for ever since that "I never got there" text... I had so many visceral reactions, not only to this essay but to the whole incredible adventure from the moment you said you were going on a silent retreat until I finished this essay. I'm sitting with my reactions, observing how I felt at each turn and trying to understand what that says about the current state of my own spirituality. Let me explain:
As soon as anyone does something insane/cool/deeply spiritual, my first instinct is to berate myself for not doing that thing or my version of that thing. This was what I felt when I first read you were going on a silent retreat. Then, recognizing that feeling as unhelpful, I circled myself back to curiosity and wanting to hear from you about how it went when it was over.
Reading that it didn't happen, there was a part of me that was relieved - like "Thank God she didn't go because now I'm not a terrible person" !!!!! WHAT IS THAT!!!??? (I really do hate the ego and I think my life's work is going to be continuing to wrestle with mine in all the moments that are not actually about me heheheh)...
Now, reading this essay and understanding how the whole thing unfolded, I am more relieved and settled with the whole thing. My mom in law uses this Arabic expression that says something like "ease is a sign that we have permission". As in, when something just flows well, take it to mean that God is telling you to go ahead with it. And the opposite of that can be true. The universe was sending you sign after sign. This is not for you. You don't need to go. You experience the holy in so many other moments. Go home. That electric car really did you in though. My God.
Haha I also have weird feelings about people on their mystical paths. Like: am I doing enough? Surely this is not something over which I should feel jealous or competitive, and yet... I do! The truth of all this is, it took all those signs. If I'd turned around one second sooner, I'd have felt like I was bailing. But by the time I got on that flight, I knew it wasn't for me. Thanks for sticking through the endless description of my logistics ;)
What's funny is that as I was reading I NEEDED you to get all those signs. I get bored of all my logistics but I'm fascinated by the logistics of others 🤣
Also, I hate driving on mountains and I get anxious just watching someone on tv drive on mountains so you not doing another 3 hours was a relief.
I love it when the timing is perfect! I am leaving tomorrow to go meet my oldest friends and we will laugh and admire each other wrinkles as we float with our pool noodle and solve the world's problems. It will be holy adjacent for sure.
omg Isabel! I have to take deep breaths before reading your essays so I get don’t get knocked over—they’re so powerful! And this… “we’re neither young nor old.” We will discuss on June 6th on our LIVE!
Sometimes it is not about the destination but the journey- and the journey, the deer eyes , & dear friends gave you the insight you needed. The monks would understand.
"Some voice began to whisper: how much peace is this retreat going to cost you?" Ha!!
Thats adapting on the spot and the patience to let an experience marinate and as a commenter here so adroitly observes let it reflect your true "being" which in whatever light could never be unflattering. BTW i skipped the third series of that show but knew enough about it to enjoy the brilliant parody SNL did "The White POTUS". omg i am gonna watch it again, right now.
White POTUS! I've got to find it!! And yes, I think what I realized here was that we make very different choices--ones we might've judged in our youth--but really, they're the better ones. Nobody needs me sleeping on a beach.
This is so good. My goodness, I relate to this, I've done the same seeking some sort of peace and inner reflection (with solo trips, camping, long hike). I love the connection to Laurie v. Piper, made me laugh.
My mentor was laughing about this with me... we need these retreats so badly when the kids are little and yet they're almost impossible. I know in a decade I'll be able to take them no problem and by then, I'll wish for more noise. Ah, life!
Well this is the post I've been waiting for ever since that "I never got there" text... I had so many visceral reactions, not only to this essay but to the whole incredible adventure from the moment you said you were going on a silent retreat until I finished this essay. I'm sitting with my reactions, observing how I felt at each turn and trying to understand what that says about the current state of my own spirituality. Let me explain:
As soon as anyone does something insane/cool/deeply spiritual, my first instinct is to berate myself for not doing that thing or my version of that thing. This was what I felt when I first read you were going on a silent retreat. Then, recognizing that feeling as unhelpful, I circled myself back to curiosity and wanting to hear from you about how it went when it was over.
Reading that it didn't happen, there was a part of me that was relieved - like "Thank God she didn't go because now I'm not a terrible person" !!!!! WHAT IS THAT!!!??? (I really do hate the ego and I think my life's work is going to be continuing to wrestle with mine in all the moments that are not actually about me heheheh)...
Now, reading this essay and understanding how the whole thing unfolded, I am more relieved and settled with the whole thing. My mom in law uses this Arabic expression that says something like "ease is a sign that we have permission". As in, when something just flows well, take it to mean that God is telling you to go ahead with it. And the opposite of that can be true. The universe was sending you sign after sign. This is not for you. You don't need to go. You experience the holy in so many other moments. Go home. That electric car really did you in though. My God.
Haha I also have weird feelings about people on their mystical paths. Like: am I doing enough? Surely this is not something over which I should feel jealous or competitive, and yet... I do! The truth of all this is, it took all those signs. If I'd turned around one second sooner, I'd have felt like I was bailing. But by the time I got on that flight, I knew it wasn't for me. Thanks for sticking through the endless description of my logistics ;)
What's funny is that as I was reading I NEEDED you to get all those signs. I get bored of all my logistics but I'm fascinated by the logistics of others 🤣
Also, I hate driving on mountains and I get anxious just watching someone on tv drive on mountains so you not doing another 3 hours was a relief.
I love it when the timing is perfect! I am leaving tomorrow to go meet my oldest friends and we will laugh and admire each other wrinkles as we float with our pool noodle and solve the world's problems. It will be holy adjacent for sure.
Great essay Isabel.
YES to old friends, floating and giggling and solving the worlds' problems.
omg Isabel! I have to take deep breaths before reading your essays so I get don’t get knocked over—they’re so powerful! And this… “we’re neither young nor old.” We will discuss on June 6th on our LIVE!
WOW this is maybe the nicest thing I could ever hope to read about my work. Debbie. Wow.
Thank you for these insights into your being
Thank you for being with this being.
You got everything you would have had you made it there… and more. This essay is the proof!!
either you get what you want, or you get a story.
You tried your best and karma said no. Enjoyed this journey very much.
Shouted and shouted and shouted it!!!
The adventure of it ALL! So good, Isabel. The White Lotus references, lol. 💫
Thank you, Lily! Mike White is an archetypal master.
💯!! I heard Mike White is returning as a contestant on season 50 of Survivor. I hope he crushes the competition like he does with writing.
Sometimes it is not about the destination but the journey- and the journey, the deer eyes , & dear friends gave you the insight you needed. The monks would understand.
For sure. And they didn't miss me :)
Belle I Love this one. I love : "Holy Ghost...is that you?" It surely always is.
Also: "I had already been holy-adjacent!"
Jeez, indeed.
God bless Bethlehem!!!
"Some voice began to whisper: how much peace is this retreat going to cost you?" Ha!!
Thats adapting on the spot and the patience to let an experience marinate and as a commenter here so adroitly observes let it reflect your true "being" which in whatever light could never be unflattering. BTW i skipped the third series of that show but knew enough about it to enjoy the brilliant parody SNL did "The White POTUS". omg i am gonna watch it again, right now.
"Not tha Mahhhhhnnnnkeyyyyyy!!!!!"
heeeee
White POTUS! I've got to find it!! And yes, I think what I realized here was that we make very different choices--ones we might've judged in our youth--but really, they're the better ones. Nobody needs me sleeping on a beach.
"Holy Ghost... is that you?" 😆
it kinda was!
I believe it ❤️🔥
This is so good. Thank you for sharing.
The fact that you read these makes me so so happy!
It’s a joy to connect with this part of you, it makes our time as prosecutors a very distant memory.
This is so good. My goodness, I relate to this, I've done the same seeking some sort of peace and inner reflection (with solo trips, camping, long hike). I love the connection to Laurie v. Piper, made me laugh.
My mentor was laughing about this with me... we need these retreats so badly when the kids are little and yet they're almost impossible. I know in a decade I'll be able to take them no problem and by then, I'll wish for more noise. Ah, life!
This is great, Isabel!
Thank you SO MUCH for reading!
Ugh so freeing & good
haha thank you!!!
Wow, Isabel. This is just beautiful.
Dana! This means so much. Thank you.