Ooooh, this is me! I was never around babies. I was also very incapable of being a girly-girl and I wondered if there might be something wrong with me. I never thought about being a mother, and certainly didn't dream about having kids someday.
I got pregnant at the age of 32 from the *one* time I ever had sex without birth control. He and I had been together for just over a year but we decided to give it a go---we're still together, 34 years later. While I was pregnant, I was at a gathering where someone offered to hand me their baby, so I could "practice". I refused, lol. Like I'm going to hold a baby for the first time in my life while I'm pregnant and the whole room is watching to see how I do. Fuck off.
The first baby I ever held had just come out of my body, too. They placed her on my belly and I've never been so ecstatic. I kept saying over and over, so it was you! So it was you! Had we met before? I'm not sure, but I love her more than anybody or any thing and yes, I did just fine at holding her.
I'm laughing so hard. FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF. Being pressured to hold a baby (pregnant no less!) reads like surveillance of goodness... it did to me, anyway. I wish I hadn't misread my desire not to perform as an indicator of my own failings or incompetencies. And I have said those very same words when each of my children was born. "IT WAS YOU!" How could someone you've just met be so deeply known? Let's talk about THAT at baby showers. And also do the family's dishes.
"Surveillance of goodness'... I've never heard that before, but it's perfect. Or is it just that they want you to comply with the accepted norms because that's what THEY'RE doing, and they don't want that to be challenged? I've always bristled at that, but when you're young it's not that easy to stand up to a room full of people.
Have you really said "it was you!" when each of your children were born? Have you heard of other people doing that? Or is it just you and me 😅
Isabel, you make a great point that should be shouted from the rooftops - there is no recipe for being a good parent. Just because someone 'seems' maternal (or parental) we may want to remember that it is an exterior illusion that may, or may not, be true. Just as there is no perfect age to become a parent. I am fortunate to work with many families in my day job and I have seen very young mothers come into their own to be amazing parents, just as I've seen new moms in their forties rock the role.
Yes! Parenting is absolutely an invitation to transformation. And an enormous leap of faith. I know lots of people who are still debating starting families. The stakes are high, so I understand the impulse to think it over, but oddly, thinking isn't necessarily the way to an answer on this question. At least it wasn't for me :)
Doesn’t he like… not have a working neck? This!! Your beautiful words describe my anxiety, exactly, about holding someone's baby. Babies and Winston Churchill give me the jitters. Thank you for speaking the truth for us fearful.
I’ve been sitting on a draft abt what it means to be “motherly,” and so I nodded along so much to this piece I almost gave myself whiplash. Loved this read 🩵
I cannot WAIT to read that piece. It's such a juicy question. As my motherhood evolves (11 years in!) I realize... it's very little about what "looks good" vis a vis the culture of selling parenthood. Everything my kids respond to is real and raw and immediate. It's not a philosophy or a school or an organized closet. It's us, wide open and available. That's it.
I love your honesty about something women are afraid to talk about. Taken to even the next level… beyond holding other women’s babies…kids are not for everyone. Let’s say it outloud without shame. This falls under the umbrella topic of Women Speaking Truth. Thank you again Isabel for writing it.
Yes! I never loved babies, but deep down I knew I'd have kids, even if motherhood as an identity wasn't at the forefront of my sense of self. But I wonder what baby showers must be like for people who are certain they don't want to be parents. Your comment reminds me to be curious and open and not assume anything of anyone. Thank you ❤️
As the mother of a grown-ass man (your age, Isabel, almost exactly), I can tell you that the amazement never stops. He can pick you up and throw you into the air like a—wheeeee!—six-month-old, and will be just as careful (very) to catch you as his father was with him. In other words, the holding continues, both the same, and different. xo
I babysat the neighbor's kids once and was not asked back... I might have called too many times to see when they were coming home. Ha! I always thought I'd be a mother at some point, but I wasn't particularly drawn to it. When I eventually did become a mother, I was in shock, still in shock, by how much fun I could have. I am still baffled most days by motherhood, but I'm having a blast.
Yes, it's an enormous leap of faith. A leap which, I fully appreciate, is not for everyone! And I also recognize how much my enjoyment of my boys is circumstantial: in another marriage, or with fewer resources, I might not enjoy it so much. If at all.
This was delightful and made me laugh! I think this is one of the many examples of how certain ordinary things are just really loaded for women. It's less loaded for a man to casually hold a friend's baby. But for a woman it can feel like an implied test or judgment to one's femininity. I encounter this anxiety all the time with my therapy clients who are considering pregnancy or are already pregnant. I usually prattle on and on about how they will be great at this and they don't have to have an instinct. But next time, I'll just pass them this essay and highlight, "There is no secret language, no early indicator to your parenting potential." Therapy, done!
Yes, that's exactly it. Being asked to hold a baby feels like a public test of your worth as a woman. Even if it's not meant to be, it's almost impossible not to feel the performance & implicit judgment, which so often triggers a cascade of misplaced questions of identity and worth. I know so many women now choosing not to have children in part because of this analysis. I'm not here to convince anybody, obviously, but boy was I surprised by my response to giving birth. I'd be honored to have you share this!
I don't have a need to carry people's babies, but I bond naturally with my nephew and niece, especially when they are in their toddlerhood —I'm the fun aunt who plays with you and then says goodbye as you turn into the monster before bedtime :p. I am not one who always knew I would be a mother. I was neutral, but once I was, my husband claimed that I was meant for it; he's probably biased, but I know what you mean when you said your own baby became a natural extension of you. It's so different! And now, even after, I can help carry another baby if the parent needs a little help, but I don't have to do it. If they want to play, then ya, fun aunt is back!
Toddlers are THE MOST underrated party animals of all time. I just love their freewheelin' looseness, the way they are so unashamed. The way they enter a room like HERE I AM. Your niece and nephew are lucky to have your joy and delight!!
I had no interest in children— babysat once and neither me, the baby or the mother thought I should return. I love my children and grandchildren and feel no need to return to those earlier days. I have a 51 year old son, a 43 year daughter and a 42 year old son- close in age- yep- more than one woman told me I wouldn’t get pregnant while breastfeeding! Hmmm
I'm not a "girl's girl" this presents many challenges. I have zero desire to hold other people's babies. I'm not really that interested in other people's small children. I do fake it at times so I won't be totally ostracized. I'm not a "playdate" type of mom either.
BUT YET, I am a mother of three and I immediately bonded and I'm very attached to my kids. I love and enjoy my kids. So yeah, this adds up. ❤️
This made me laugh. Yes. My husband and I used to have a hard rule that we didn't attend small children's birthdays. We do go sometimes now, since that's one of the rare times adults invite you to their home.
Home parties are the best kind. The worst kind are the parties at kid gyms and "play zones." Invariably, those are where I end up floating on the ceiling with the loose balloons.
Ahahahaaaaaa the baby orchestra conducting! Yes to this...
I was basically the opposite. All my sisters had babies before me and I was the favourite aunty (or at least that's what I told myself) and then when I had my baby, I didn't feel that instant connection. And that made me feel like an absolute failure, which I've written about before.
I think my favourite age is 6-12 months and when you can pass them back. You get to make them giggle and play with them and delight them. And then when they cry you give them to their mommy.. (not a useful village member, I guess, given that I do the fun stuff and then return them when they're difficult heheheh). But I can also do dishes. I do dishes very well.
I love watching people who have an innate skill with newborns. It's the most beautiful choreography--one I'm lacking. But there are also the people who come over and say they want to "help" by holding the baby. This annoys me. If you want to come and hold the baby, then say so! Don't call it help. Everybody wants to hold the baby--including the parents. The baby is the best part! It's the dirty house these tired parents can't manage. I try to keep that in mind around new moms, unless they have a colicky baby, in which case, I'm all arms and we'll take a swing around the block.
Ooooh, this is me! I was never around babies. I was also very incapable of being a girly-girl and I wondered if there might be something wrong with me. I never thought about being a mother, and certainly didn't dream about having kids someday.
I got pregnant at the age of 32 from the *one* time I ever had sex without birth control. He and I had been together for just over a year but we decided to give it a go---we're still together, 34 years later. While I was pregnant, I was at a gathering where someone offered to hand me their baby, so I could "practice". I refused, lol. Like I'm going to hold a baby for the first time in my life while I'm pregnant and the whole room is watching to see how I do. Fuck off.
The first baby I ever held had just come out of my body, too. They placed her on my belly and I've never been so ecstatic. I kept saying over and over, so it was you! So it was you! Had we met before? I'm not sure, but I love her more than anybody or any thing and yes, I did just fine at holding her.
I'm laughing so hard. FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF. Being pressured to hold a baby (pregnant no less!) reads like surveillance of goodness... it did to me, anyway. I wish I hadn't misread my desire not to perform as an indicator of my own failings or incompetencies. And I have said those very same words when each of my children was born. "IT WAS YOU!" How could someone you've just met be so deeply known? Let's talk about THAT at baby showers. And also do the family's dishes.
"Surveillance of goodness'... I've never heard that before, but it's perfect. Or is it just that they want you to comply with the accepted norms because that's what THEY'RE doing, and they don't want that to be challenged? I've always bristled at that, but when you're young it's not that easy to stand up to a room full of people.
Have you really said "it was you!" when each of your children were born? Have you heard of other people doing that? Or is it just you and me 😅
Whoah
Isabel, you make a great point that should be shouted from the rooftops - there is no recipe for being a good parent. Just because someone 'seems' maternal (or parental) we may want to remember that it is an exterior illusion that may, or may not, be true. Just as there is no perfect age to become a parent. I am fortunate to work with many families in my day job and I have seen very young mothers come into their own to be amazing parents, just as I've seen new moms in their forties rock the role.
Yes! Parenting is absolutely an invitation to transformation. And an enormous leap of faith. I know lots of people who are still debating starting families. The stakes are high, so I understand the impulse to think it over, but oddly, thinking isn't necessarily the way to an answer on this question. At least it wasn't for me :)
Doesn’t he like… not have a working neck? This!! Your beautiful words describe my anxiety, exactly, about holding someone's baby. Babies and Winston Churchill give me the jitters. Thank you for speaking the truth for us fearful.
I so wish I'd just been confident enough to say: "No thank you, I don't know how!" There's so much pressure with someone else's kid. Jitters, exactly!
I’ve been sitting on a draft abt what it means to be “motherly,” and so I nodded along so much to this piece I almost gave myself whiplash. Loved this read 🩵
I cannot WAIT to read that piece. It's such a juicy question. As my motherhood evolves (11 years in!) I realize... it's very little about what "looks good" vis a vis the culture of selling parenthood. Everything my kids respond to is real and raw and immediate. It's not a philosophy or a school or an organized closet. It's us, wide open and available. That's it.
I love your honesty about something women are afraid to talk about. Taken to even the next level… beyond holding other women’s babies…kids are not for everyone. Let’s say it outloud without shame. This falls under the umbrella topic of Women Speaking Truth. Thank you again Isabel for writing it.
Yes! I never loved babies, but deep down I knew I'd have kids, even if motherhood as an identity wasn't at the forefront of my sense of self. But I wonder what baby showers must be like for people who are certain they don't want to be parents. Your comment reminds me to be curious and open and not assume anything of anyone. Thank you ❤️
As the mother of a grown-ass man (your age, Isabel, almost exactly), I can tell you that the amazement never stops. He can pick you up and throw you into the air like a—wheeeee!—six-month-old, and will be just as careful (very) to catch you as his father was with him. In other words, the holding continues, both the same, and different. xo
I now have the most beautiful image of your Tokyo reunions. Wheeee!!
A little hyperbolic, but still... xo
This really moved me. As a mother of a 14 year old who keeps trying to carry me, but hasn't thrown me in the air yet (thank the LORD!)
I LOVE THIS
I babysat the neighbor's kids once and was not asked back... I might have called too many times to see when they were coming home. Ha! I always thought I'd be a mother at some point, but I wasn't particularly drawn to it. When I eventually did become a mother, I was in shock, still in shock, by how much fun I could have. I am still baffled most days by motherhood, but I'm having a blast.
Yes, it's an enormous leap of faith. A leap which, I fully appreciate, is not for everyone! And I also recognize how much my enjoyment of my boys is circumstantial: in another marriage, or with fewer resources, I might not enjoy it so much. If at all.
Enjoy the edge of the world...this one'll be here when you return and the grasslands teeming lol.
what a poem!
at this point its most of what i got 😏
This was delightful and made me laugh! I think this is one of the many examples of how certain ordinary things are just really loaded for women. It's less loaded for a man to casually hold a friend's baby. But for a woman it can feel like an implied test or judgment to one's femininity. I encounter this anxiety all the time with my therapy clients who are considering pregnancy or are already pregnant. I usually prattle on and on about how they will be great at this and they don't have to have an instinct. But next time, I'll just pass them this essay and highlight, "There is no secret language, no early indicator to your parenting potential." Therapy, done!
Yes, that's exactly it. Being asked to hold a baby feels like a public test of your worth as a woman. Even if it's not meant to be, it's almost impossible not to feel the performance & implicit judgment, which so often triggers a cascade of misplaced questions of identity and worth. I know so many women now choosing not to have children in part because of this analysis. I'm not here to convince anybody, obviously, but boy was I surprised by my response to giving birth. I'd be honored to have you share this!
I don't have a need to carry people's babies, but I bond naturally with my nephew and niece, especially when they are in their toddlerhood —I'm the fun aunt who plays with you and then says goodbye as you turn into the monster before bedtime :p. I am not one who always knew I would be a mother. I was neutral, but once I was, my husband claimed that I was meant for it; he's probably biased, but I know what you mean when you said your own baby became a natural extension of you. It's so different! And now, even after, I can help carry another baby if the parent needs a little help, but I don't have to do it. If they want to play, then ya, fun aunt is back!
Toddlers are THE MOST underrated party animals of all time. I just love their freewheelin' looseness, the way they are so unashamed. The way they enter a room like HERE I AM. Your niece and nephew are lucky to have your joy and delight!!
HERE I AM! You said that right. :) They can also be challenging when the fun is over, but that's all part of the interesting package.
Always inspiring, beautiful, beautiful 🙏
I had no interest in children— babysat once and neither me, the baby or the mother thought I should return. I love my children and grandchildren and feel no need to return to those earlier days. I have a 51 year old son, a 43 year daughter and a 42 year old son- close in age- yep- more than one woman told me I wouldn’t get pregnant while breastfeeding! Hmmm
You are spot on here- again.
I'm not a "girl's girl" this presents many challenges. I have zero desire to hold other people's babies. I'm not really that interested in other people's small children. I do fake it at times so I won't be totally ostracized. I'm not a "playdate" type of mom either.
BUT YET, I am a mother of three and I immediately bonded and I'm very attached to my kids. I love and enjoy my kids. So yeah, this adds up. ❤️
This makes me so happy to hear. I'm wondering if you, too, might dissociate at kid birthday parties?
This made me laugh. Yes. My husband and I used to have a hard rule that we didn't attend small children's birthdays. We do go sometimes now, since that's one of the rare times adults invite you to their home.
Home parties are the best kind. The worst kind are the parties at kid gyms and "play zones." Invariably, those are where I end up floating on the ceiling with the loose balloons.
Ahahahaaaaaa the baby orchestra conducting! Yes to this...
I was basically the opposite. All my sisters had babies before me and I was the favourite aunty (or at least that's what I told myself) and then when I had my baby, I didn't feel that instant connection. And that made me feel like an absolute failure, which I've written about before.
I think my favourite age is 6-12 months and when you can pass them back. You get to make them giggle and play with them and delight them. And then when they cry you give them to their mommy.. (not a useful village member, I guess, given that I do the fun stuff and then return them when they're difficult heheheh). But I can also do dishes. I do dishes very well.
I love watching people who have an innate skill with newborns. It's the most beautiful choreography--one I'm lacking. But there are also the people who come over and say they want to "help" by holding the baby. This annoys me. If you want to come and hold the baby, then say so! Don't call it help. Everybody wants to hold the baby--including the parents. The baby is the best part! It's the dirty house these tired parents can't manage. I try to keep that in mind around new moms, unless they have a colicky baby, in which case, I'm all arms and we'll take a swing around the block.
Brilliant, as always. “Better to be rude than wreck somebody” - a mantra.
Yes, indeed. So many applications!!!