Jul 31, 2023·edited Jul 31, 2023Liked by Isabel Cowles Murphy
Wow. . . I so admire this one, Isabel! It must be indeed a lonely musing exploration this one you have been experiencing once again, one that is possibly reacquainted with a versatile revival of steadiness -- reassuring every time while resurging everywhere --, by means of the representational room for an aligned knowledge able to somehow summon the drive back to a continuous learning to “live”, to a fervid voice rising again into prominence, to a compelling state of mind, to a transversal space of vehement adventure and potential awareness. I think you might be experiencing a rebirth of listen, lean, leap, lead, learn. And in my view, you are doing just fine, Dear. Xo.
It's definitely true that this one feels like a rebirth! Now that the others are bigger I have such a different perspective--I can take so much wisdom with me into this experience and feel it in a new way. Still scared, though :)
You’re a great writer, truly. It’s almost like the words aren’t there and I’m just phasing through to your experience. It’s interesting to consider how writing is like giving birth, how the idea has to come out and you can’t ever reclaim it just for yourself
Totally got that!! And I was so struck by the truth of your first comment: writing is very much a micro-birth: everything is mine until it exists in the world. But I have to keep letting it go and dealing with the fear and even some of the remorse that comes alongside these self-revelations. I hope you write about that.
Me, me, pick me! 😂 and thank you so much! You really have supported me more than you know. It occurs to me that I’m feeling kind of like you-- This thing has to come OUT! Also imagining that if it is ever published I’ll be the one walking behind in my saggy dress. Ha
I’m so deep in this book Neal asked me to help with. I haven’t left my laptop in three weeks. I can’t even really see straight lol. I’m supposed to send him a draft by the end of today. Please pray for me. 😅
Oh that is so exciting. You'll be on my mind all day... I cannot WAIT to read it. You are so lucky to have him to support and revise it. And he's so lucky to have your talent, commitment and eye for detail :) I need a collaborator!!
When I was pregnant I lived an exciting separate life. There were ups and downs. But I wouldn't want to repeat it. I was terrified at the thought of losing control of my body. I was immersed in these thoughts. I admire your style of writing. And the fact that you enjoy being pregnant. You are a very observant and sensitive person. You listen to your condition and the mood of the world around you. You find a balance. This is your way of communicating with this world. Rare talent. Thanks for the essay.
Valentina, THANK YOU. What a beautiful thing to hear. I so appreciate the fear of losing control... pregnant bodies are in extremis! And birth itself is chaos--letting go of control, allowing ourselves to break open. It's overwhelming.
so ok you are saying that pregnancy can also result in hearing impairment...i mean how else do 3 kids sneak up on their Mom unless they raised on a Rez? more seriously this:
"I wanted to marry Christopher with every bit of myself, just as I want to have this baby. But only one of us could make the journey to the person waiting on the other side. Only one of us was going to end the day with a whole new life."
is astounding i'm not sure but i think i get it the fiercely protective guarding but awareness while doing it... of self... solitude? i'm probably way off
cackled at achilles tendon bristled as a fly-fisherman at lumping everyday gnats with mayflies which are some of the most astoundingly perfect and beautiful creatures anywheres check out some images grrrrrrrrr
ps i have said before you can come up with entire little worlds while just brushing teeth
Ha, yes, I have selective hearing impairment. I tune out A LOT and mostly the mischief because there's only so much disciplining one woman can do in a day.
Yes--exactly that: I get a heightened awareness at the threshold of an important life event... a kind of private removal where I have a clearer witnessing. Doesn't everybody??? Could also be a dissociative trauma response :)
You described some feelings I have, thinking about my future pregnancy: control. I think maybe that's what holds me back the most about having kids. And at the same time, when you talk about your kids and tell stories and post pictures, I feel love.
It is a complex parallel. I feel like I'm taking a maternity pre-course with you haha. Thank you, Isabel! <3
If you decide to have children so much of this will be just a thought exercise. What needs to be done always gets done and there’s so much joy to be had!
Bewilderment!! That's the word. I'm marveling and confused and just waddling to the finish line. Thank you for being here, Davyne I can't wait to see you next week!
These words are really beautiful. I love how you describe these paradoxes! The solitary experience of these endeavors of love whether it be marriage, pregnancy, or motherhood. Loved this one xo
YES! The way you say it makes me appreciate the solitary theme more clearly... how these communal life experiences are also, in the end, very individual. Maybe I feel 'lonely' because I've been cultured to assume that marriage and pregnancy and motherhood will bring nothing but enmeshment and eternal connection. I'm writing next week about how to support people we love in their self-actualization...and you've helped me see the link between these two ideas. Always good to have a therapist as a reader :) Thanks so much for being with me 🧡
I read somewhere that when a baby is born a mother is also born. Thank you for bringing more life into existence. One of the most direct practice of Selflessness is giving birth. I honor your courage in the immaculate process of being a vessel of life, from the consciousness of the stars through your body. The holiness of this undertaking is beyond physical and mental analyzations. It can't get any more intimate and generous, sacred and holy. Once part of you eventually turning into a whole new life that will further evolve humanity. Giving birth is a miracle. You are a nurturer of life, an unconditional compassionate warrior.
Yes! I feel the sacredness so much this time around--I think because I have children who are older and I can appreciate how much and how quickly they change and how deeply this process matters. I'm trying to experience this pregnancy moment to moment, without feeling impatient about getting to the other side. It's a beautiful experience, made better by generous witnesses. Thank you for being here and for seeing me!
Oh man, I bet you were a sight to behold. There is something so thrilling about this state of being two people in one, especially, I can imagine, for someone who is so deeply embodied. I LOVE seeing you here, thank you, thank you.
Loved this Isabel! Blessings to you and your gorgeous family. I will be a first time grandmother in October, so trying to offer snippets of advice to my daughter (without over stepping) lol. Ps please give your Mom a hug from Roz (from Toronto, not far from Buffalo) 😉😊
I'm so glad you're here!!! I love the way you're taking care of your daughter by gathering info from other places. Let me know how I can help!! I will tell Ma you said hi for sure :)
Another one that hits home - I am also going into this pregnancy thinking it’s my last, and having similar feelings of grief/anxiety and love/excitement coexist as I grow.
My four year old son asked me the other day when he would carry a baby in his belly. Which I started tearing up first because I didn’t want to burst his innocent little bubble by telling him this would never happen. But then even more strongly, it gave me this sense of being alone on this journey as I am the only one in my immediate family (as of now) who will experience having a baby grow inside of me. It is a new experience being pregnant now that Jack has a better understanding of what is coming, vs when I was pregnant two+ years ago and he was still a toddler.
The gnats part made me smile. I also tune my kids out on the regular. Must be a boy mom thing. :)
As always, thanks for giving me a minute to pause, connect, and reflect through your essays.
Annie!! I'm so happy to see you here in the comments :) I had the same thing with Augie who got really interested in making babies. But I am SO grateful to have sons who will get to help raise a little sibling. I feel like this might be one of the best (most annoying) things to happen to them--getting to help try to calm him/her down; passing me the butt wipes; holding the milk bottle. It IS so different when they're a little older, and so cool that Jack will be present and conscious of what's happening this time in a way he wasn't before. It's a gift to the world to raise nurturing boys. 🧡
Wow. . . I so admire this one, Isabel! It must be indeed a lonely musing exploration this one you have been experiencing once again, one that is possibly reacquainted with a versatile revival of steadiness -- reassuring every time while resurging everywhere --, by means of the representational room for an aligned knowledge able to somehow summon the drive back to a continuous learning to “live”, to a fervid voice rising again into prominence, to a compelling state of mind, to a transversal space of vehement adventure and potential awareness. I think you might be experiencing a rebirth of listen, lean, leap, lead, learn. And in my view, you are doing just fine, Dear. Xo.
It's definitely true that this one feels like a rebirth! Now that the others are bigger I have such a different perspective--I can take so much wisdom with me into this experience and feel it in a new way. Still scared, though :)
You’re a great writer, truly. It’s almost like the words aren’t there and I’m just phasing through to your experience. It’s interesting to consider how writing is like giving birth, how the idea has to come out and you can’t ever reclaim it just for yourself
I’m case it wasn’t clear, I just loved this. ☺️
Totally got that!! And I was so struck by the truth of your first comment: writing is very much a micro-birth: everything is mine until it exists in the world. But I have to keep letting it go and dealing with the fear and even some of the remorse that comes alongside these self-revelations. I hope you write about that.
Me, me, pick me! 😂 and thank you so much! You really have supported me more than you know. It occurs to me that I’m feeling kind of like you-- This thing has to come OUT! Also imagining that if it is ever published I’ll be the one walking behind in my saggy dress. Ha
Teeheeehee. But also, how can it not? You can’t go back to not having done it. And the world will benefit!
From your mouth to god’s ear
I’m so deep in this book Neal asked me to help with. I haven’t left my laptop in three weeks. I can’t even really see straight lol. I’m supposed to send him a draft by the end of today. Please pray for me. 😅
Oh that is so exciting. You'll be on my mind all day... I cannot WAIT to read it. You are so lucky to have him to support and revise it. And he's so lucky to have your talent, commitment and eye for detail :) I need a collaborator!!
When I was pregnant I lived an exciting separate life. There were ups and downs. But I wouldn't want to repeat it. I was terrified at the thought of losing control of my body. I was immersed in these thoughts. I admire your style of writing. And the fact that you enjoy being pregnant. You are a very observant and sensitive person. You listen to your condition and the mood of the world around you. You find a balance. This is your way of communicating with this world. Rare talent. Thanks for the essay.
Valentina, THANK YOU. What a beautiful thing to hear. I so appreciate the fear of losing control... pregnant bodies are in extremis! And birth itself is chaos--letting go of control, allowing ourselves to break open. It's overwhelming.
so ok you are saying that pregnancy can also result in hearing impairment...i mean how else do 3 kids sneak up on their Mom unless they raised on a Rez? more seriously this:
"I wanted to marry Christopher with every bit of myself, just as I want to have this baby. But only one of us could make the journey to the person waiting on the other side. Only one of us was going to end the day with a whole new life."
is astounding i'm not sure but i think i get it the fiercely protective guarding but awareness while doing it... of self... solitude? i'm probably way off
cackled at achilles tendon bristled as a fly-fisherman at lumping everyday gnats with mayflies which are some of the most astoundingly perfect and beautiful creatures anywheres check out some images grrrrrrrrr
ps i have said before you can come up with entire little worlds while just brushing teeth
xox
Ha, yes, I have selective hearing impairment. I tune out A LOT and mostly the mischief because there's only so much disciplining one woman can do in a day.
Yes--exactly that: I get a heightened awareness at the threshold of an important life event... a kind of private removal where I have a clearer witnessing. Doesn't everybody??? Could also be a dissociative trauma response :)
I’m nearly speechless. Moving and so vulnerable, thank you! I’m growing to understand more and more how experiencing grief is such a privilege…
Yes! Also a privilege to let ourselves feel it. It takes time and space and energy not to just power on through.
You described some feelings I have, thinking about my future pregnancy: control. I think maybe that's what holds me back the most about having kids. And at the same time, when you talk about your kids and tell stories and post pictures, I feel love.
It is a complex parallel. I feel like I'm taking a maternity pre-course with you haha. Thank you, Isabel! <3
If you decide to have children so much of this will be just a thought exercise. What needs to be done always gets done and there’s so much joy to be had!
Paradoxes. How concentrated they are before childbirth! xo
So concentrated. I have about a dozen others I could talk about, but figured... let's keep the pregnancy piece not too, er, bloated.
Ha! Ha! ❤️
Once again you capture poignancy, ambiguity, bewilderment as well as the joyous burdened privilege of bearing a child. Cheers!
Bewilderment!! That's the word. I'm marveling and confused and just waddling to the finish line. Thank you for being here, Davyne I can't wait to see you next week!
These words are really beautiful. I love how you describe these paradoxes! The solitary experience of these endeavors of love whether it be marriage, pregnancy, or motherhood. Loved this one xo
YES! The way you say it makes me appreciate the solitary theme more clearly... how these communal life experiences are also, in the end, very individual. Maybe I feel 'lonely' because I've been cultured to assume that marriage and pregnancy and motherhood will bring nothing but enmeshment and eternal connection. I'm writing next week about how to support people we love in their self-actualization...and you've helped me see the link between these two ideas. Always good to have a therapist as a reader :) Thanks so much for being with me 🧡
I read somewhere that when a baby is born a mother is also born. Thank you for bringing more life into existence. One of the most direct practice of Selflessness is giving birth. I honor your courage in the immaculate process of being a vessel of life, from the consciousness of the stars through your body. The holiness of this undertaking is beyond physical and mental analyzations. It can't get any more intimate and generous, sacred and holy. Once part of you eventually turning into a whole new life that will further evolve humanity. Giving birth is a miracle. You are a nurturer of life, an unconditional compassionate warrior.
Joy to you & namaste ❤️
Yes! I feel the sacredness so much this time around--I think because I have children who are older and I can appreciate how much and how quickly they change and how deeply this process matters. I'm trying to experience this pregnancy moment to moment, without feeling impatient about getting to the other side. It's a beautiful experience, made better by generous witnesses. Thank you for being here and for seeing me!
Always 🫶🙏
I wish I could be pregnant forever too. And yes... there goes our hearts...
Oh man, I bet you were a sight to behold. There is something so thrilling about this state of being two people in one, especially, I can imagine, for someone who is so deeply embodied. I LOVE seeing you here, thank you, thank you.
There are pics... i'll message you with a special one now... x
Loved this Isabel! Blessings to you and your gorgeous family. I will be a first time grandmother in October, so trying to offer snippets of advice to my daughter (without over stepping) lol. Ps please give your Mom a hug from Roz (from Toronto, not far from Buffalo) 😉😊
I'm so glad you're here!!! I love the way you're taking care of your daughter by gathering info from other places. Let me know how I can help!! I will tell Ma you said hi for sure :)
Another one that hits home - I am also going into this pregnancy thinking it’s my last, and having similar feelings of grief/anxiety and love/excitement coexist as I grow.
My four year old son asked me the other day when he would carry a baby in his belly. Which I started tearing up first because I didn’t want to burst his innocent little bubble by telling him this would never happen. But then even more strongly, it gave me this sense of being alone on this journey as I am the only one in my immediate family (as of now) who will experience having a baby grow inside of me. It is a new experience being pregnant now that Jack has a better understanding of what is coming, vs when I was pregnant two+ years ago and he was still a toddler.
The gnats part made me smile. I also tune my kids out on the regular. Must be a boy mom thing. :)
As always, thanks for giving me a minute to pause, connect, and reflect through your essays.
Annie!! I'm so happy to see you here in the comments :) I had the same thing with Augie who got really interested in making babies. But I am SO grateful to have sons who will get to help raise a little sibling. I feel like this might be one of the best (most annoying) things to happen to them--getting to help try to calm him/her down; passing me the butt wipes; holding the milk bottle. It IS so different when they're a little older, and so cool that Jack will be present and conscious of what's happening this time in a way he wasn't before. It's a gift to the world to raise nurturing boys. 🧡
This was so beautiful, thank you for sharing!