What you always seem to write about is LOVE in all its complicated angry jealous compassionate lively generous self. Thank you as I'm sure Lily does and the boys, your mother, Chris and the friends who know you.
However, I can't really identify. As you know, I grew up as an only child. I did have older half siblings, one of them your pappy. All sufficiently older than I that I never lived with any of them, and when I did see them during my childhood they were very nice to me. Because they were adults, and I a child.
Your father, in particular, was a stellar sibling. He'd show up, gorgeous, an actor, on a motorcycle, and I could only hope I had a friend around to turn to and say: "That's my brother!" And he was never anything other or less than loving toward me.
Maybe it was the best of both worlds, because I did appreciate as an adult having others who were parented by my parents. Especially Matt and Chris who were mothered by the same mother as I. There is a way I think you can understand another human who shared your mother in a way no one else can.
And maybe for those who grow up with siblings that goes even deeper with having shared the same childhood home and environment.
I can see how having siblings toughens your skin for some things. I once had to tell a friend, the second of eight in her family, that she couldn't tease me, because I hadn't grown up with it and I found it mean, while I assume to her it was playful. And I didn't much like other children as a child, because they seemed so uncivilized. and dangerous.
But. I loved being an only child. Yes, sometimes it was lonely, but I got good at playing complex stories with just myself as cast. I always got the best seat in the car, I always got the biggest slice of cake, and there was no pigeon-holing or ranking of my qualities. I wasn't the more or less attractive one, the smarter or less smart, the better or worse athlete- though if there'd been a worse athlete, that would have been astonishing.
I was told in my twenties a theory that only children are selfish, because they are used to having things all to themselves. I really didn't like this! That's not how it works, I protested. You become selfish from sparsity, not abundance! I love to share, because I always had enough. Plus, okay, okay, maybe the loneliness thing was a bit of a drag sometimes.
And I definitely have learned a few people's worst secrets and kept them. Try me.
So, I'm sure it's great to have siblings, a whole pack of them. You learn all sorts of things, and you never lack a clan throughout life. But, don't feel too sorry for us onlyies. We grew up in calm quiet homes where no one messed with our stuff, whatever parental attention was available was ours, and, if we drank urine, it was our own idea.
Can we find a place for this to be a stand-alone essay? Say, your own Substack? "And if we drank urine, it was our own idea..." possibly the best last line I've read, no foolin'. Also: seems to me you had the best of both. Half the cool part of siblings is what they model and what we admire and how their cool rubs off on us. For me, it's backwards--I'm now getting all of my glory from Lil as you can understand.
Not ready for a substack. Although, if I did do that it would give me material for your next prompt, "have you ever bitten off more than you can chew." I think you are pretty darn cool all on your own. That rocking the parent thing is about as high wire as it gets.
I laughed and cried! This is so good. One time in church I wondered why Auggie has such crazy hair. Then I saw that Chris was constantly ruffling and fluffling his head!
Here’s one: My brother Tommy was always in trouble. He was so prone to discipline that his best friend, also named Tommy, was able to get him blamed for all of his mischief, which was extensive.
My Tommy, pre-learners permit, liked to steal the car, a second hand Volkswagen Beetle with a Playboy logo, that came with the car, on the driver side door.
So my sister Kitty and I wouldn’t tell on him, Tommy would bring us with. Me, four or five, tucked into the weird space behind the rear seat of the Bug, Kitty riding shotgun. His strategy was to bring us either to Dunkin’ Donuts, or Simco’s by the Bridge in Mattapan, an iconic Hot Dog stand that served (and still does) actual foot longs, thereby assuring our fealty and silence. These were big bonding experiences, the thrill of the criminal enterprise, only out weighed by the lick of Boston Cream, or Gulden’s Spicy Brown on our lips.
I wish I could say Chris' ruffling was the only reason Augie looks like Encino Man. Whenever we DO brush it, he musses it right up. I don't think there's anything more thrilling than a bunch of kids clandestine in a car. Also... this is making me want to high tail it to Mattapan.
I’ve met Lily once so far. The gestalt of being sisters come through your words like a clear ringing meditation bell. To have her as a sister would be like realizing that no matter what happens in life you’ve got someone who is there! Yes, poof! They’re for you. What alchemy of ancestors, stars and moons, milky ways and Love brought you two forth onto this planet? And I get to meet you Both? Wow. Thank you for this essay. Happy earth birthday Lily. PS. Your boys are writing their legacy.
Helene, you are onto something... my parents made this very clear to us, and I always appreciated it (and believed them)--that Lily and I were souls who wanted to be in our family; that we were called together. I feel it very much and it gives me so much joy to wonder about all the boys, coming together in this time and place for this iteration.
You and Lily are rare. I think most parents I meet wish that their adult children had the type of connection and affection that you and Lily share. But it's not true for so many siblings and thus becomes years of learning to accept that comes of the familial connection. Some sibs find their way back to each other over the decades. Many do not. And what I have some to realize is that it's all ok however it turns out.
When we were about 6 and 7, my older sister, Kathy, suggested we play barbershop one day. Sounded like fun so I let her lean my head over the trash can (how responsible!) to give me the first haircut. She didn’t have much experience so I ended up with bald spots especially around the bangs area. When she’d finished, we went downstairs to show my mom who SCREAMED when she saw me and called for my dad. Needless to say I never got my turn. Also I looked like Kathy’s little brother for about 2 years until it grew back.
I did this!! We made a character out of it: "Too short bang-y." I was honestly trying to get the bangs straight, but every time I sliced across the forehead, the blades went just a little bit awry. I had to keep cutting and cutting and cutting...
Wonderful. You described my daughters. I always wished I had a sister and I admire and long for the relationship I see in my girls, the one in which you describe, that is so deep and dynamic and significant that their entire personality is formed against one another, even more so than their older brother. I have brothers. It's not the same.
The truth of this!! I was so worried Bruce would be a girl because then I'd have to have another to make a sister. I know we live in a post-gender world, but I think there's something about same sex siblings... I see all sorts of crazy connections b/t the bros in my house. Very different from a sister relationship, but full of intimacy that I'll never be let in on (good for them!).
Such an interesting essay. It made me think about our family dynamics. I'm the third child, I had an older brother and sister and a younger brother. The younger brother and I were close. Older sister close, oldest brother was mean, a bully. Our sister died of cancer 10 years ago so now I just have two brothers. I sure miss my sister.
Oh, Sherry. I am so sorry. I can only imagine. But very cool to have a household with such parity: not everybody gets to have both a brother and a sister.
Yes, I try to think of it this way, I was fortunate to have a sister for 59 years. Your 4th is a boy right? Wondering how you feel, if you wish you had a girl, and may keep trying. I have one of each, and am very, very close with my daughter.
I laughed a lot reading this essay... I'm an only child, but when I was a kid I was always with my cousins, it was crazy. I think today I miss having siblings more than when I was a kid. I love reading your stories, your children are lucky to have each other ❤️And happy birthday to your sister and you! 🥳
Thank you, Francine!! You are lucky to have cousins... Lily and I had none growing up, so I think our relationship was even more important. We have one now (she was born when I was twenty) and she's wonderful. I always envied my friends with lots of extended family. You're right, too, that these relationships mean so much as we get older.
-- I am sorry about my absence yesterday. I traveled and was too tired to read or write a proper comment. This essay reminds me of a poem that says –
“The good thing is that the truth comes to us
as a secret sense of things.
We ended up guessing, confused,
perfection.” – Clarice Lispector.
I can see an unique kind of perfection here. There’s quite some resistance in the exuberant, sensitive, condensed version of your words – the same ones which I am sure, also coexist with vivid persistence, accurate continuity and heartfelt rewrite through the layers of life. Whenever true love happens, it’s always a very thoughtful and mature victory, it’s always the most touching and meaningful journey. And, there is such a true love present in this whole piece.
P.S. I still can’t believe you have a September birthday too, haha. I do love it so much!
Thaissa, you don't owe me comments immediately!! You are so kind. I often have to let a piece sit with me for a while before I know what to say. I love this poem--"a secret sense of things." The point isn't how we know something; just that we trust what we know.
As the fifth Murphy, all you need to do is look closely at my face. So many scars, and apparently no plastic surgeons in the 80s ER. My mother would leave for the store only to return to me tied to the street hockey goal with pillows stuffed in my shirt, and an extra large helmet. At least I got the helmet. The scariest part, I loved it. I never wanted to miss the action. In fact I can take a pee faster than anyone I know, because one, no one waited for anyone in my house, and two, what if the most amazing thing happened and I wasn’t there? I’d be reminded about it for centuries!
This makes me wish I could go back in time and visit your house... Talk about a core memory/ origin story of FOMO. Can you please write an essay about the goal posts? Feel like this should be a scene in a Spielberg movie... did I see it in Goonies??
I loved this so so much! You and Lily remind me so much of me and my sister. Siblings are glorious and terrifying and frustrating and perfect all at the same time. P. S Happy Birthday Lily 💗💗💗
love how you have this relationship with your sister! I have one brother and sometimes I wonder how on earth i can tolerate him for much longer, than I think that he’s just trying to spend time with me and make memories before I leave in just 2 years for college. I know he’s a pain right now but when I do leave I know i’ll treasure these moments with him! Thank you for making me realize to cherish these memories and not always antagonize him;)
I have one brother but i might as well be an only child. We arnt close, and never have been. Whilst my mum did her best, she constantly drove a wedge between us with my perfect little brother never doing wrong (he's 36 and has only just moved out of her house, I left at 18 and im not a big part of their lives). A psychologist told me once I over compensated by having lots of children (I was SO offended at the time until i realised she probably wasnt wrong!!) I hope my kids grow up at least having one amazing relationship amongst their siblings. All 4 having amazing relationships with each other would make my life. When they grow up if we spent Christmases together and gathered for small stupid reasons we used just for an excuse to hang out! If they never forgot each other's children's birthdays, called each other for no good reason, came to my house and fought over the last of the good stuff in the fridge and then decide to sit down and share. If they still want to hang out with me! My life will be made. It's all I want. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for failure but it's everything I missed out on, and it's everything I dream of for my little troupe of siblings! Currently they all adore each other, 13yrs down to 4yrs. My boys fight like devils but then yell out 'goodnight, I love you' to each other at night. My daily anxiety mostly involves making sure i never screw that up!! Xxxx
Sounds like you scored and arnt far off it yourself. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful relationship with your sister. I do have one question though, who are the 2 other people who can make you pee your pants laughing?? And what happens if they all get together?? Hahaha.
I know I keep sounding like such a debbi-downer but I'm really not haha. I've just recently had my marriage to the man I've been with since I was 17 (now 38) blow up in my face in the worst possible way and I'm left with a lot of crap that's bubbling! I'll be fun again soon, when I work out all this messy stuff! I've found all your reads very good for my hurting head! 🙂
I remember being about 7 and I supposed Drew was three. He was going through a dinosaur phase and had amassed quite the collection of those sizable and HARD plastic figures. One day I had a friend over and she started being mean and belligerent (the way 7 year olds are). And I just sat there and took it as Drew watched on combing through his dinosaur bin. Suddenly, a brachiosaurus flew across the room hitting my friend in face. She cried and Drew smirked.
We drive each other crazy sometimes and are wildly different, but I have no fiercer protector.
you certainly shower the people you love with love (and apparently bone fragments)
but...parcheesi?? c'mon!!!
polite society :)
aha!!........sounds like an edith wharton novel lol not that i've read any
What you always seem to write about is LOVE in all its complicated angry jealous compassionate lively generous self. Thank you as I'm sure Lily does and the boys, your mother, Chris and the friends who know you.
Write on !
I hadn't thought of this, but boy do I hope it's true. What else is there to write about?
Fantastic, Belle, as ever.
However, I can't really identify. As you know, I grew up as an only child. I did have older half siblings, one of them your pappy. All sufficiently older than I that I never lived with any of them, and when I did see them during my childhood they were very nice to me. Because they were adults, and I a child.
Your father, in particular, was a stellar sibling. He'd show up, gorgeous, an actor, on a motorcycle, and I could only hope I had a friend around to turn to and say: "That's my brother!" And he was never anything other or less than loving toward me.
Maybe it was the best of both worlds, because I did appreciate as an adult having others who were parented by my parents. Especially Matt and Chris who were mothered by the same mother as I. There is a way I think you can understand another human who shared your mother in a way no one else can.
And maybe for those who grow up with siblings that goes even deeper with having shared the same childhood home and environment.
I can see how having siblings toughens your skin for some things. I once had to tell a friend, the second of eight in her family, that she couldn't tease me, because I hadn't grown up with it and I found it mean, while I assume to her it was playful. And I didn't much like other children as a child, because they seemed so uncivilized. and dangerous.
But. I loved being an only child. Yes, sometimes it was lonely, but I got good at playing complex stories with just myself as cast. I always got the best seat in the car, I always got the biggest slice of cake, and there was no pigeon-holing or ranking of my qualities. I wasn't the more or less attractive one, the smarter or less smart, the better or worse athlete- though if there'd been a worse athlete, that would have been astonishing.
I was told in my twenties a theory that only children are selfish, because they are used to having things all to themselves. I really didn't like this! That's not how it works, I protested. You become selfish from sparsity, not abundance! I love to share, because I always had enough. Plus, okay, okay, maybe the loneliness thing was a bit of a drag sometimes.
And I definitely have learned a few people's worst secrets and kept them. Try me.
So, I'm sure it's great to have siblings, a whole pack of them. You learn all sorts of things, and you never lack a clan throughout life. But, don't feel too sorry for us onlyies. We grew up in calm quiet homes where no one messed with our stuff, whatever parental attention was available was ours, and, if we drank urine, it was our own idea.
Can we find a place for this to be a stand-alone essay? Say, your own Substack? "And if we drank urine, it was our own idea..." possibly the best last line I've read, no foolin'. Also: seems to me you had the best of both. Half the cool part of siblings is what they model and what we admire and how their cool rubs off on us. For me, it's backwards--I'm now getting all of my glory from Lil as you can understand.
Thanks Belle,
Not ready for a substack. Although, if I did do that it would give me material for your next prompt, "have you ever bitten off more than you can chew." I think you are pretty darn cool all on your own. That rocking the parent thing is about as high wire as it gets.
I laughed and cried! This is so good. One time in church I wondered why Auggie has such crazy hair. Then I saw that Chris was constantly ruffling and fluffling his head!
Here’s one: My brother Tommy was always in trouble. He was so prone to discipline that his best friend, also named Tommy, was able to get him blamed for all of his mischief, which was extensive.
My Tommy, pre-learners permit, liked to steal the car, a second hand Volkswagen Beetle with a Playboy logo, that came with the car, on the driver side door.
So my sister Kitty and I wouldn’t tell on him, Tommy would bring us with. Me, four or five, tucked into the weird space behind the rear seat of the Bug, Kitty riding shotgun. His strategy was to bring us either to Dunkin’ Donuts, or Simco’s by the Bridge in Mattapan, an iconic Hot Dog stand that served (and still does) actual foot longs, thereby assuring our fealty and silence. These were big bonding experiences, the thrill of the criminal enterprise, only out weighed by the lick of Boston Cream, or Gulden’s Spicy Brown on our lips.
Thank you for evoking this memory!
I wish I could say Chris' ruffling was the only reason Augie looks like Encino Man. Whenever we DO brush it, he musses it right up. I don't think there's anything more thrilling than a bunch of kids clandestine in a car. Also... this is making me want to high tail it to Mattapan.
I’ve met Lily once so far. The gestalt of being sisters come through your words like a clear ringing meditation bell. To have her as a sister would be like realizing that no matter what happens in life you’ve got someone who is there! Yes, poof! They’re for you. What alchemy of ancestors, stars and moons, milky ways and Love brought you two forth onto this planet? And I get to meet you Both? Wow. Thank you for this essay. Happy earth birthday Lily. PS. Your boys are writing their legacy.
Helene, you are onto something... my parents made this very clear to us, and I always appreciated it (and believed them)--that Lily and I were souls who wanted to be in our family; that we were called together. I feel it very much and it gives me so much joy to wonder about all the boys, coming together in this time and place for this iteration.
You and Lily are rare. I think most parents I meet wish that their adult children had the type of connection and affection that you and Lily share. But it's not true for so many siblings and thus becomes years of learning to accept that comes of the familial connection. Some sibs find their way back to each other over the decades. Many do not. And what I have some to realize is that it's all ok however it turns out.
When we were about 6 and 7, my older sister, Kathy, suggested we play barbershop one day. Sounded like fun so I let her lean my head over the trash can (how responsible!) to give me the first haircut. She didn’t have much experience so I ended up with bald spots especially around the bangs area. When she’d finished, we went downstairs to show my mom who SCREAMED when she saw me and called for my dad. Needless to say I never got my turn. Also I looked like Kathy’s little brother for about 2 years until it grew back.
I did this!! We made a character out of it: "Too short bang-y." I was honestly trying to get the bangs straight, but every time I sliced across the forehead, the blades went just a little bit awry. I had to keep cutting and cutting and cutting...
Wonderful. You described my daughters. I always wished I had a sister and I admire and long for the relationship I see in my girls, the one in which you describe, that is so deep and dynamic and significant that their entire personality is formed against one another, even more so than their older brother. I have brothers. It's not the same.
The truth of this!! I was so worried Bruce would be a girl because then I'd have to have another to make a sister. I know we live in a post-gender world, but I think there's something about same sex siblings... I see all sorts of crazy connections b/t the bros in my house. Very different from a sister relationship, but full of intimacy that I'll never be let in on (good for them!).
Such an interesting essay. It made me think about our family dynamics. I'm the third child, I had an older brother and sister and a younger brother. The younger brother and I were close. Older sister close, oldest brother was mean, a bully. Our sister died of cancer 10 years ago so now I just have two brothers. I sure miss my sister.
Oh, Sherry. I am so sorry. I can only imagine. But very cool to have a household with such parity: not everybody gets to have both a brother and a sister.
Yes, I try to think of it this way, I was fortunate to have a sister for 59 years. Your 4th is a boy right? Wondering how you feel, if you wish you had a girl, and may keep trying. I have one of each, and am very, very close with my daughter.
I laughed a lot reading this essay... I'm an only child, but when I was a kid I was always with my cousins, it was crazy. I think today I miss having siblings more than when I was a kid. I love reading your stories, your children are lucky to have each other ❤️And happy birthday to your sister and you! 🥳
Thank you, Francine!! You are lucky to have cousins... Lily and I had none growing up, so I think our relationship was even more important. We have one now (she was born when I was twenty) and she's wonderful. I always envied my friends with lots of extended family. You're right, too, that these relationships mean so much as we get older.
-- I am sorry about my absence yesterday. I traveled and was too tired to read or write a proper comment. This essay reminds me of a poem that says –
“The good thing is that the truth comes to us
as a secret sense of things.
We ended up guessing, confused,
perfection.” – Clarice Lispector.
I can see an unique kind of perfection here. There’s quite some resistance in the exuberant, sensitive, condensed version of your words – the same ones which I am sure, also coexist with vivid persistence, accurate continuity and heartfelt rewrite through the layers of life. Whenever true love happens, it’s always a very thoughtful and mature victory, it’s always the most touching and meaningful journey. And, there is such a true love present in this whole piece.
P.S. I still can’t believe you have a September birthday too, haha. I do love it so much!
Thaissa, you don't owe me comments immediately!! You are so kind. I often have to let a piece sit with me for a while before I know what to say. I love this poem--"a secret sense of things." The point isn't how we know something; just that we trust what we know.
-- P.s. I already wished Lily a happy birthday. And, in Portuguese : )
As the fifth Murphy, all you need to do is look closely at my face. So many scars, and apparently no plastic surgeons in the 80s ER. My mother would leave for the store only to return to me tied to the street hockey goal with pillows stuffed in my shirt, and an extra large helmet. At least I got the helmet. The scariest part, I loved it. I never wanted to miss the action. In fact I can take a pee faster than anyone I know, because one, no one waited for anyone in my house, and two, what if the most amazing thing happened and I wasn’t there? I’d be reminded about it for centuries!
This makes me wish I could go back in time and visit your house... Talk about a core memory/ origin story of FOMO. Can you please write an essay about the goal posts? Feel like this should be a scene in a Spielberg movie... did I see it in Goonies??
I loved this so so much! You and Lily remind me so much of me and my sister. Siblings are glorious and terrifying and frustrating and perfect all at the same time. P. S Happy Birthday Lily 💗💗💗
Thank you so much! I'm so glad to see you here... I hope you've been well, Tarryn 🧡
i have so many questions for Lily, you devil 😈😍
DO NOT speak to Lily outside of my presence. I need to be available for all defenses.
love how you have this relationship with your sister! I have one brother and sometimes I wonder how on earth i can tolerate him for much longer, than I think that he’s just trying to spend time with me and make memories before I leave in just 2 years for college. I know he’s a pain right now but when I do leave I know i’ll treasure these moments with him! Thank you for making me realize to cherish these memories and not always antagonize him;)
You have a lifetime of memories still to make! Don't be too hard on yourself. It took me a long time to be gracious :)
I have one brother but i might as well be an only child. We arnt close, and never have been. Whilst my mum did her best, she constantly drove a wedge between us with my perfect little brother never doing wrong (he's 36 and has only just moved out of her house, I left at 18 and im not a big part of their lives). A psychologist told me once I over compensated by having lots of children (I was SO offended at the time until i realised she probably wasnt wrong!!) I hope my kids grow up at least having one amazing relationship amongst their siblings. All 4 having amazing relationships with each other would make my life. When they grow up if we spent Christmases together and gathered for small stupid reasons we used just for an excuse to hang out! If they never forgot each other's children's birthdays, called each other for no good reason, came to my house and fought over the last of the good stuff in the fridge and then decide to sit down and share. If they still want to hang out with me! My life will be made. It's all I want. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for failure but it's everything I missed out on, and it's everything I dream of for my little troupe of siblings! Currently they all adore each other, 13yrs down to 4yrs. My boys fight like devils but then yell out 'goodnight, I love you' to each other at night. My daily anxiety mostly involves making sure i never screw that up!! Xxxx
This vision sounds like heaven! I dream about the same thing!!
Sounds like you scored and arnt far off it yourself. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful relationship with your sister. I do have one question though, who are the 2 other people who can make you pee your pants laughing?? And what happens if they all get together?? Hahaha.
I know I keep sounding like such a debbi-downer but I'm really not haha. I've just recently had my marriage to the man I've been with since I was 17 (now 38) blow up in my face in the worst possible way and I'm left with a lot of crap that's bubbling! I'll be fun again soon, when I work out all this messy stuff! I've found all your reads very good for my hurting head! 🙂
Lozz I am so glad you are here!! I love being connected to another mom of 4. This is BONKERS.
I feel we could share good stories and encouragements! Big families arnt that common anymore.
Another beautiful love letter!
I remember being about 7 and I supposed Drew was three. He was going through a dinosaur phase and had amassed quite the collection of those sizable and HARD plastic figures. One day I had a friend over and she started being mean and belligerent (the way 7 year olds are). And I just sat there and took it as Drew watched on combing through his dinosaur bin. Suddenly, a brachiosaurus flew across the room hitting my friend in face. She cried and Drew smirked.
We drive each other crazy sometimes and are wildly different, but I have no fiercer protector.
And happy birthday to you all ❤️
We have so many of those little Dinos and may I say--that would smart. I love him.
uhohh i hope he likes scorpios