Friend, thank you for sharing your story so openly.
I sat a while with this essay, reading it over and over trying to figure my thoughts out.
Its shame, the way I so easily feel about myself ,I have called it many other things but in the end its shame and I am astounded at how quickly shame has become the default position for me...its almost too easy and that scared me.
I present myself as one who is confident in her skin and I think to a certain degree I am ,but I am a woman in her 30s in a profession that despite the arguments to the contrary does value how you look more than your skillset.
I'm also a woman in her 30s in the dating scene and the amount of pressure I unconsciously put on myself to fit into this "mold" I THINK I should fit in is quite frankly exhausting-I'm a work in progress where this is concerned-.
I'm here and I am learning.
I think of myself and my friends age 18 in the months leading up to the Senior Prom having discovered "The Hollywood Diet" in a book published in 1952 and how we obsessed with following it because we had to fit into the gowns, or passing around a bottle of diet pills in the computer lab because "only thin girls get asked to prom", I think of us and I could weep.
I caught myself in the mirror after a shower the other day, I looked at my laugh lines starting to form at my eyes, the lines starting to draw themselves on my forehead , I looked and for the first time I was glad to see them, the stories they tell. I wish younger Tarryn had thought like that. I wish younger Tarryn was empowered enough by society and her community to think like that.
I cant change the past but we sure can take those lessons and move forward with grace and kindness toward ourselves.
This was so powerful, it's taken me a while to figure out how to comment. I remember so well in my teens and twenties looking at myself in the mirror with hatred. Now I see photos of my self at that time and think: the dear sweet girl.
I agree with another comment that the line: "We can rest our weary hairdos knowing we've done everything we can to stay in the garden." is a beaut.
I read it to Ava and it elicited a great long conversation.
It is still astonishing that female beauty standards, at least here in the upper classes of the white European/ American world, requirer us to be ever smaller, bloodless and more transparent. Transparent like the post maternity octopus.
It's almost like we are supposed to disappear altogether to be properly loved.
I recently watched the Amy Winehouse doc (another powerful, brilliant woman who starves herself) and Tony Bennet says: "Life teaches you how to live it, if you can stick around long enough." Amy couldn't stick around that long. But for those of us women who manage to, I think one of the things we learn is to stop looking in the mirror so much. And to allow the inside us to grow as big and strong and bloody and maybe even messy as we have it in us to be.
Oh, Baby. I just read this and want you to know how supremely excellent it is in all ways, especially in your vulnerability and your logic. (And your writing.) Thanks for the shout-out but way more, thank you for letting me know you've been helped in some way by what I'm sending out there, dear, beautiful girl. xo
Helped A LOT. Your piece really got my wheels turning. We can only change all of these systems when we come from the power of self-love. And you're moving us there, Val. Thank you.
While reading this, I was brought back to some daily life occasions when I was left reflecting upon how every so often, the world ends up "treating" the theme of aging as a horrible sickness, a "thing" that needs to be eradicated through potent vaccines. It’s loudly becoming a “racism culture” at this point.
There’s an one-of-a-kind beauty only possibly achieved through maturation and no one should ever be ashamed of that! As a 31 years-old woman, I surely appreciate the scientific effects coming out of “beauty rituals” and yet at the same time, always try to remember myself that I should not be idolizing them, and mostly, their possibilities.
Again, thank you for posting here and an ineffable thank you for being the person who without knowing, introduced me to this magic website.
It took me a while to reply to this essay of yours. I needed to think a lot.
I have not experienced anorexia so I am aware there is so much I cannot feel or understand - only theoretically. Like when we describe to women who have no kids, certain kids related challenges: theoretically they understand, but cannot "feel" it the way we do.
Reading your essay though, I felt overwhelmed. You reminded me how much society can support such a dangerous imbalance, actually by praising and in a more insidious way (ads etc)
I think my vision of my body personally changed with yoga. Yoga can quickly become cultish, or a sect, it can also lead to an alimentary imbalance - I used to teach so much at some point, and practice so much, that my body went overboard. It took my husband to one day look at me as I was leaving for an nth class and tell me "No. You are only skin and bones. You are putting yourself in danger. You cannot remain like this." I first got very upset. I loved that job (that was in the prehistoric era, aka b4 covid). But later on I understood what he meant. It took me a long time though - too long to explain here in details. But it did help me click at some point.
I love that in yoga now there is much less inhibition and so much more diversity among practitioners and teachers: +size women, elderly women, etcetcetc.
What does it remind us of? that the sole definition of yoga can be implemented to life: the harmonious work before the body, the mind, and the soul. Let the body breathe, be indulgent with it, let it have its moments of break, don't mind the weight changes when they are not drastic, don't freak out about not wearing make up at times, never feel guilt for good food and drinks: be generous with yourself and focus as much on your mind and your soul.
Oh Isabel, this is excellent..."We can rest our weary hairdo's knowing we've done everything we can to stay in the garden" ... You are f-ing beautiful (be grateful for those genes;) It's good to know that you appreciate your body & mind & are educating a new generation to the wealth of spirit & soul that appreciation brings. Monday's bombshell was a call to all women (and enlightened men) that underestimating us (ever) is an invitation to epic failure on their part. I'm in my 70's; marching looks more like a scooter brigade than it did 50 years ago, but I will not stop and I remain...unapologetic. I am proud of your new attitude...better late than never;) Be pretty; pretty brave, pretty strong, pretty kind!
We welcome "Heroes in training" and because we are clever, we know we will need help if the scooter breaks down;)... Even when things look really bad, laughing is the first order of business; the second order is, rise-up and never give-up! XOXO,m
Thank you thank you thank you! This really hits home for me. I think I’m in the process of grieving for my younger self who spent too much time feeling shame and not enough time enjoying life.
Jesus Christ. These just keep getting better.
Friend, thank you for sharing your story so openly.
I sat a while with this essay, reading it over and over trying to figure my thoughts out.
Its shame, the way I so easily feel about myself ,I have called it many other things but in the end its shame and I am astounded at how quickly shame has become the default position for me...its almost too easy and that scared me.
I present myself as one who is confident in her skin and I think to a certain degree I am ,but I am a woman in her 30s in a profession that despite the arguments to the contrary does value how you look more than your skillset.
I'm also a woman in her 30s in the dating scene and the amount of pressure I unconsciously put on myself to fit into this "mold" I THINK I should fit in is quite frankly exhausting-I'm a work in progress where this is concerned-.
I'm here and I am learning.
I think of myself and my friends age 18 in the months leading up to the Senior Prom having discovered "The Hollywood Diet" in a book published in 1952 and how we obsessed with following it because we had to fit into the gowns, or passing around a bottle of diet pills in the computer lab because "only thin girls get asked to prom", I think of us and I could weep.
I caught myself in the mirror after a shower the other day, I looked at my laugh lines starting to form at my eyes, the lines starting to draw themselves on my forehead , I looked and for the first time I was glad to see them, the stories they tell. I wish younger Tarryn had thought like that. I wish younger Tarryn was empowered enough by society and her community to think like that.
I cant change the past but we sure can take those lessons and move forward with grace and kindness toward ourselves.
Thank you again for sharing
xxxxxxx
This was so powerful, it's taken me a while to figure out how to comment. I remember so well in my teens and twenties looking at myself in the mirror with hatred. Now I see photos of my self at that time and think: the dear sweet girl.
I agree with another comment that the line: "We can rest our weary hairdos knowing we've done everything we can to stay in the garden." is a beaut.
I read it to Ava and it elicited a great long conversation.
It is still astonishing that female beauty standards, at least here in the upper classes of the white European/ American world, requirer us to be ever smaller, bloodless and more transparent. Transparent like the post maternity octopus.
It's almost like we are supposed to disappear altogether to be properly loved.
I recently watched the Amy Winehouse doc (another powerful, brilliant woman who starves herself) and Tony Bennet says: "Life teaches you how to live it, if you can stick around long enough." Amy couldn't stick around that long. But for those of us women who manage to, I think one of the things we learn is to stop looking in the mirror so much. And to allow the inside us to grow as big and strong and bloody and maybe even messy as we have it in us to be.
Capitalism materialism patriarcy= profit for white men and shame for many women. A thoughtful brave essay
Oh, Baby. I just read this and want you to know how supremely excellent it is in all ways, especially in your vulnerability and your logic. (And your writing.) Thanks for the shout-out but way more, thank you for letting me know you've been helped in some way by what I'm sending out there, dear, beautiful girl. xo
Helped A LOT. Your piece really got my wheels turning. We can only change all of these systems when we come from the power of self-love. And you're moving us there, Val. Thank you.
many heart emojis
My esteemed Isabel,
While reading this, I was brought back to some daily life occasions when I was left reflecting upon how every so often, the world ends up "treating" the theme of aging as a horrible sickness, a "thing" that needs to be eradicated through potent vaccines. It’s loudly becoming a “racism culture” at this point.
There’s an one-of-a-kind beauty only possibly achieved through maturation and no one should ever be ashamed of that! As a 31 years-old woman, I surely appreciate the scientific effects coming out of “beauty rituals” and yet at the same time, always try to remember myself that I should not be idolizing them, and mostly, their possibilities.
Again, thank you for posting here and an ineffable thank you for being the person who without knowing, introduced me to this magic website.
Love,
Thaissa.
It took me a while to reply to this essay of yours. I needed to think a lot.
I have not experienced anorexia so I am aware there is so much I cannot feel or understand - only theoretically. Like when we describe to women who have no kids, certain kids related challenges: theoretically they understand, but cannot "feel" it the way we do.
Reading your essay though, I felt overwhelmed. You reminded me how much society can support such a dangerous imbalance, actually by praising and in a more insidious way (ads etc)
I think my vision of my body personally changed with yoga. Yoga can quickly become cultish, or a sect, it can also lead to an alimentary imbalance - I used to teach so much at some point, and practice so much, that my body went overboard. It took my husband to one day look at me as I was leaving for an nth class and tell me "No. You are only skin and bones. You are putting yourself in danger. You cannot remain like this." I first got very upset. I loved that job (that was in the prehistoric era, aka b4 covid). But later on I understood what he meant. It took me a long time though - too long to explain here in details. But it did help me click at some point.
I love that in yoga now there is much less inhibition and so much more diversity among practitioners and teachers: +size women, elderly women, etcetcetc.
What does it remind us of? that the sole definition of yoga can be implemented to life: the harmonious work before the body, the mind, and the soul. Let the body breathe, be indulgent with it, let it have its moments of break, don't mind the weight changes when they are not drastic, don't freak out about not wearing make up at times, never feel guilt for good food and drinks: be generous with yourself and focus as much on your mind and your soul.
We must be fed - in different way.
Thank you Isabel for saying everything I want to say out loud. Excited to see you again this summer and talk about writing!
I cannot WAIT!! Thank you for being here.
Oh Isabel, this is excellent..."We can rest our weary hairdo's knowing we've done everything we can to stay in the garden" ... You are f-ing beautiful (be grateful for those genes;) It's good to know that you appreciate your body & mind & are educating a new generation to the wealth of spirit & soul that appreciation brings. Monday's bombshell was a call to all women (and enlightened men) that underestimating us (ever) is an invitation to epic failure on their part. I'm in my 70's; marching looks more like a scooter brigade than it did 50 years ago, but I will not stop and I remain...unapologetic. I am proud of your new attitude...better late than never;) Be pretty; pretty brave, pretty strong, pretty kind!
Sign me up to walk alongside the scooter brigade!! I want to stay close to that generation of heroes.
We welcome "Heroes in training" and because we are clever, we know we will need help if the scooter breaks down;)... Even when things look really bad, laughing is the first order of business; the second order is, rise-up and never give-up! XOXO,m
Thank you thank you thank you! This really hits home for me. I think I’m in the process of grieving for my younger self who spent too much time feeling shame and not enough time enjoying life.
My friend Whitney always says: grief and RELIEF. There's lightness on the other side. I'm here with you.