Oh, man, that was a great essay. Yours, and Summer's, too. And those cold sores! The first time I saw them I was like...leaning into my phone screen, wut, wut, wut? Thing is, her hair could be coming out by the handful and who would know (extensions being what they are). But cold sores: leaving no doubt that there's something...herpetic in Denmark. I've been thinking of doing a Valerina Farm video, where I slice off part of my thumb trying to remove an avocado pit and then serve bloody avocado slices to my friends bc I couldn't stop the bleeding. Speaking of which, you're invited for supper, anytime, dear Isabel. xo
Val I should've known those wouldn't be lost on you! Aren't they amazing?? Such a humanizing twist. I think she might honestly be innocent enough not to know that most people would cover them with makeup BEFORE doing a makeup demo. Or else she's just dangling a little taste of realness, and I fell for it hard. I'd come over and eat your bloody salad any day of the week! I'll even film the making of said slasher dish. It's the season!
Oooh god, my heart. I'll pose a question for the DermDiva and we can forward Hannah one of your loving intros + Heidi's response, which I hope might include au pair services as part of a comprehensive treatment plan.
This was a beautiful call to raw and true action for all people, because, make no mistake, this is deeper than women and motherhood. This is about all people sharing the truth about how messy the human experience can be. Also? How beautiful.
Roman, I've so appreciated your support of this piece. I feel like I could've written it about any of the false personas we're fed online, but I think it's especially damaging in the mom landscape given the long and pernicious history of women being at odds with each other under a manufactured systems of 'scarcity.' There is room for whole people doing life in many different ways. Also, I'm bored with the flat affect: I see it everywhere (hello, Instagram face!) and I'm like... is this it? This version of sameness where we all aspire to look like AI avatars? WHERE IS THE RICHNESS? Where are the access points?? More cold sores, please!
Isabel, even your comments are filled with richness, humanness, and truth. It’s why people are drawn to you. Keep being a lighthouse in the storm. People will see the way because you show them.
"the trad movement misses the richest material: the flesh and blood connection; the deep, messy humanness of domestic life." this piece and all the great links: hate the way you make us all THINK Isabel arghhh...when i think of all those vicious back and forths and apologies i had over the years with a tempestuous mother who fought her way out of any number of constrictive roles forced on her and who never shied from expressing feelings, vulnerability i see always more clearly that without the strife, messiness, abandonment of censorship some intangible connection irretrievable, invaluable would have been lost. It is moving from the photo how you "see" your parents for all their humanity and love them so and it begs the question with all the distracting performative success whether Hannah's own kids will have that opportunity later in their lives. Look forward to next instalments even if they are staring into the doube barrell shotgun of erk November. xo
Apple, thank you for this generous comment. I appreciate that I'm able to admit to my emotional imperfections because they come in a context of stability. It's different to advocate emotional expression when the baseline is secure attachment. And yet: I look at all the parents who weren't able to be calm and cool 90% of the time and I wonder--what were those people dealing with in the systems around them? As you said, women of your mom's generation were pushed into such narrow spaces--constrictive to anyone's spirit--but I would imagine especially to a person of your mom's caliber. I would've exploded with rage on a daily basis had I been a mother through most of the 20th century. Of that I'm certain.
this was so great! as always. how to square one's feminism with the conviction to "be there" as a mother, it's an interesting challenge...i was going to type out my thoughts on daniel neeleman that nobody asked for but i will save for maine, hehe. xo!!
There’s that old lit lesson about the Madonna-whore dichotomy. Both roles are marginalized and lacking in agency in a way. Which makes me think about the five stances Mary takes in annunciation paintings—astonishment, reflection, inquiry, submission, merit. You can tell her state of mind in these paintings by the position of her hands and eyes. The telling feature of “merit” is that she is alone. The archangel is gone.
Anyway, I’m rambling, but what I’m thinking about is the way sex is the subtext to all this. It’s literally part of who the Madonna is. She’s defined by its absence as much as a prostitute is defined by its presence. And the influencer you mention—well, I mean, 8 kids. That suggests a lot of sex, probably.
I’m cynical and angry the way I see women treated like second-class citizens *at best,* so don’t put too much stock into what I’m saying, but women’s sex and sexuality and motherhood and abortion—I feel it’s all shot through with male ideas about, and desire for, sex. Which gets all tangled up with controlling women—in everything, from how they’re named and depicted to how they use their own bodies.
Hi! I was finished typing a reply and it deleted! Please forgive me if you get this same message twice. I want to say first: please can you go on? Your ramblings had me at the edge of my chair. Where can I read more about Mary's postures?? Also, I wonder if you're familiar with the gnostic gospels and in particular the gospel of Mary Magdalene? Some posit that she was Jesus' lover and that she had the closest access to his teachings, which was, basically: the kingdom of God is inside of each of us. Directly. No intermediary required. Can you imagine how that would've shaped civilization? But of course you can't build power structures around individual sovereignty so the early papacy destroyed her writings and her reputation.
I didn't think at all about the sex the Neeleman's are having, but you are so spot on to point out the subtext. You bringing it up makes me appreciate how I've been wanting to write about my own sexuality--how it wasn't safe until it was grounded in a steady partner. I cut myself off from so much of the world in my youth because the male gaze felt predatory and frightening and my sexuality was a weapon I didn't realize I was wielding. So much of my vitality was buried and lost when I realized how frightened I was, and how much I could hurt people, too.
I'm trying to turn the aging process into a reclamation instead of a loss. Because honestly, so much can come forth now that a sexual identity isn't the (imposed) headline. I can stare with my mouth wide open on the subway because nobody's looking at me anymore!!
Please respond with all the rambling your time permits. I'll appreciate everything.
omg Isabel. I’m speechless. you’ve richly articulated some of what I felt as a young mother many years ago AND you’ve kindled memories of my own very busy mother when I was a child (yes, my longing and her smell and perfume!). thank you, as always, for a superlative read.
Debbie, I'm so grateful for your astute readership. I have two of your pieces in my queue and plan to write more generously, but quick! While I'm with you... your profile of Abigail Thomas was one of the true joys of my autumn. Thank you for introducing her to my reading life!
This last pair of essays it out of me: I'm not good at the sweeping, cultural stuff, but they were tugging at my pant leg all summer and just had to be managed. (Creative inspiration is more like an irksome toddler than a romantic muse for me, I guess.) You reflecting back the value of making meaning of these years keeps me going. I cannot thank you enough.
It is legit UNCANNY how much of my story (and myself) I see in yours (and you)! When you wrote "Well, shit, guess this is a mom blog" I was like "That could have been the title of my next post!" And then you came out with this, which I ALSO have been wanting to write! I agree with everything you say! I also am a progressive feminist raised by an amazing woman who worked too much, and it was always my dream to be the breadwinner while my partner stayed home with the kids, and I had the beginnings of that (minus the kids) with my first husband who turned out to be a not nice guy. And I saw all my mom friends STRUGGLING HARD and was like "Hmm, maybe I DON'T want that" so when I married a second time, I became the trad wife! Uh WHUT?! Yes, feminists can be trad wives and yes, motherhood is amazing and empowering! And also yes, that article was fascinating and I also agreed that we needed more honesty there, which clearly she wasn't giving, only her coldsores. Anyway, terrific post you wrote here. I laughed along and then I cried when you talked about your mom, who is amazing.
Summer, I felt the same when I discovered your writing thanks to a rec by Van Miranda. I was like THIS WOMAN is speaking the truth. I think it was 4am and I raced to read as much of your stuff as I could before the kids got up. I think of you so often with all the pieces that still need to be written... Especially the anxieties I have for my sons, who I send into the world every day with their tenderness intact, but ever-threatened. Am I doing them a disservice not teaching them to be mean? It's a scary, cutting world. They are feeling the reverb already. Your work really matters to me. I'm so glad we're doing this together. (Maybe we should do more together??) xx
PLEASE do something together - I would love to hear you in conversation! Your substacks are two of my favorite places to read and reflect on motherhood.
WE SHOULD! I would love that! Not sure how, but I love Google docs, lol!
Your question "Am I doing them a disservice not teaching them to be mean?" is one I've considered often. I remember one time my husband, an old school Alaskan guy who is only now learning to accept his sensitive side, was being, in my opinion, too hard on my son, kinda mean. I think he was "playing," as he put it. I told him to knock it off, and my husband responded, "You don't know what it's like for boys out there. I have to be like this to him so he learns how to be in the world." That really got me thinking.
Gracie, I am so grateful to you, always. Your writing is endlessly transporting to me as well... your photos in particular. Have I told you about the envy I have over your writing desk? And the wormhole I once went into that is Worlds End farm??
Oh my gosh, Isabel!! Simply obsessed with you. Ok worlds end farm….is a very special place. Keep an eye on when their winter residencies pop up, would highlyyyy recommend if you can slip away for a few days.
Isabel, I agree with so much of what you said here. I do think that social media magnifies the problem for mothers: the unrealistic expectations, the unseen grit, the unfair judgments. Since this topic has been written about ad nauseum, I won't belabor it here, but I will say that there's something to the visuals vs. the written presentations of motherhood. This is why I enjoy Substack (for now) over the original social media giants.
It's all so tiring--both motherhood (in and of itself) and the act of being a mother in American society. I've resorted to making deeper and truer connections with other moms IRL as opposed to online. However, Substack has allowed me to make those deeper, truer connections digitally with more mothers (like you!) who are also writers (an area that has been difficult to forge IRL). It's been such a relief to be in company with other writers who are also parents. They get the struggle: the unattainable balance.
Yes! Thank you, Katrina. It's true that a picture is worth a thousand words--but maybe it can bury a thousand words, too? Writing requires such unspooling and nuance; it's a journey, not a snapshot. I will check out your work, I'm so grateful to be in your company!
You put your finger on something that has been bothering me since that article came out, it is the lack of humaneness, the grit of motherhood, the aching to do it right but pretty sure you are messing them up. It does not look so neat and tidy. You also made me realize a big point of disconnection with my own mother...you cannot reach someone who is performing, thank you for all of this.
Emma, I am so so grateful to you for being here and so glad that this landed. I have a couple of friends with parents who presented as calm and put-together at all times. Conflict was not 'allowed.' It has been hard for those folks to express their own emotions as adults--they have shame for even experiencing many of their feelings. I've come to appreciate that the performance is a kind of cruelty: a standard you're giving kids that they themselves can never live up to. Not just because the performance is alienating to them as children, but because it sets a standard that's impossible to maintain in healthy adulthood.
Yes, I mean my house growing up was immaculate at all times like children didn’t live there and I struggle with embracing the messy house with a toddler. But I’m realizing that was a performance, about keeping up appearance and a need to control, an impossible standard to live up to indeed.
Right after my daughter was born, I started my advertising business. I took her to meetings with me when she was just a baby. If a client didnt like it, too bad. 😂 No one said a word. But I dont see why we have to compromise parenting for a career. Why cant we have both? Why cant people support our decision to feel fulfilled professionally and personally? We need their help to do that. I was a single parent for most of those early years. I'm pretty sure my daughter, now 42, is mad that she didnt have a white picket fence life growing up so she has created one for herself now. And thats great. But it has always been in my DNA to work and feel challenged professionally. And I dont think the Republican attempts to keep women in their homes having babies will work...women are angry and resent being told what to do by a bunch of old white guys. And if we chose not to have children, that needs to be ok, too.
Susan, you are my HERO. I can't understand how people don't see motherhood as the most refining and galvanizing force for a career woman. I was never more productive or engaged than when I was an attorney, needing to get home to put the kids to bed. I was pure focus and efficiency. All of these choices are so nuanced and personal; for us, we couldn't have two parents wiped out and ragged, fighting for scraps of free time. And my husband's job just made more money, so that was that. I pulled back and--like your daughter--I get to try on some new identities, and it's been fun. As the kids grow, I appreciate my mother's work more and more. She is a role model for them, too.
I know you'll agree that the opportunities for connection that the Internet affords us has turned the landscape upside down. It's no longer women trapped at home, isolated and silent. It'll never be that way again. And anybody who thinks you can legislate family values is just... insane. I joke that these GOP hardliners are like bees in autumn. All panicky and aggressive because they know their time's up. They gotta sting everything while they still can.
Completely agree with you.... AND.... Bees in autumn! OMG! YES! That made me think immediately of the time I hit a bees nest in the ground with a weed trimmer when I volunteered in a historic cemetery. Honey, you havent lived till you've seen a middle aged woman ripping her shirt off running thru a cemetery, screaming. 😂😂 And I will leave you with that vision. 🤣
I'd never thought of it in such simple terms, and wow... so true. I've never felt my power or capacity as much as I do as a mother. But that's because I have a partner who values my effort. And yet, the fact that my power depends on his support doesn't make it feel diminished. Maybe the feminist blindspot is equating power with independence. Because in my lived experience, power has come from deep, connected reciprocity.
This was really beautifully written. I was not able to have my own children. However, I am working on certifying to become a foster mother. I am a political independent that has both progressive and conservative ideas. I don’t identify with the closed mindedness of polarity. Personally, I think giving birth, no matter how you do it, is one of the most, if not the most badass thing you can do with your body and mind. To go to the edge of your own life to collect another soul… It is something I wish I could do.
Julia, I'd never thought of giving birth the way you describe, and now I'll never think of otherwise: going to the edge of your own life to collect another soul. I keep typing and deleting responses to your words. Mine are inadequate by comparison. I am so deeply grateful and I look forward to following your journey.
Isabel, thank you! My mom always told me that a pregnant woman always has one foot in her life and one in her grave. Said to protect her child, she’s willing to lay down her own body, to be ripped open, even sacrificed. I always thought of birth as that. An altar. A willingness to completely surrender. It is much less likely for women to die during childbirth these days. But it is certainly not impossible. Talk about stepping out on faith for love.
Oh, man, that was a great essay. Yours, and Summer's, too. And those cold sores! The first time I saw them I was like...leaning into my phone screen, wut, wut, wut? Thing is, her hair could be coming out by the handful and who would know (extensions being what they are). But cold sores: leaving no doubt that there's something...herpetic in Denmark. I've been thinking of doing a Valerina Farm video, where I slice off part of my thumb trying to remove an avocado pit and then serve bloody avocado slices to my friends bc I couldn't stop the bleeding. Speaking of which, you're invited for supper, anytime, dear Isabel. xo
Val I should've known those wouldn't be lost on you! Aren't they amazing?? Such a humanizing twist. I think she might honestly be innocent enough not to know that most people would cover them with makeup BEFORE doing a makeup demo. Or else she's just dangling a little taste of realness, and I fell for it hard. I'd come over and eat your bloody salad any day of the week! I'll even film the making of said slasher dish. It's the season!
Slasher Salad! We have a name for it! And maybe those cold sores are a taste of reality— or a (deliberate) cry for help. xo
Oooh god, my heart. I'll pose a question for the DermDiva and we can forward Hannah one of your loving intros + Heidi's response, which I hope might include au pair services as part of a comprehensive treatment plan.
Great idea. Although, I think all of us could use a comprehensive treatment plan. xo
"Valerina Farm" lol and no doubt "m" in typical fashion would not shy away from the spotlight!
OMG I would watch that video all day.
Over and over and over
Haha!
This was a beautiful call to raw and true action for all people, because, make no mistake, this is deeper than women and motherhood. This is about all people sharing the truth about how messy the human experience can be. Also? How beautiful.
Roman, I've so appreciated your support of this piece. I feel like I could've written it about any of the false personas we're fed online, but I think it's especially damaging in the mom landscape given the long and pernicious history of women being at odds with each other under a manufactured systems of 'scarcity.' There is room for whole people doing life in many different ways. Also, I'm bored with the flat affect: I see it everywhere (hello, Instagram face!) and I'm like... is this it? This version of sameness where we all aspire to look like AI avatars? WHERE IS THE RICHNESS? Where are the access points?? More cold sores, please!
Isabel, even your comments are filled with richness, humanness, and truth. It’s why people are drawn to you. Keep being a lighthouse in the storm. People will see the way because you show them.
True ❤️
"the trad movement misses the richest material: the flesh and blood connection; the deep, messy humanness of domestic life." this piece and all the great links: hate the way you make us all THINK Isabel arghhh...when i think of all those vicious back and forths and apologies i had over the years with a tempestuous mother who fought her way out of any number of constrictive roles forced on her and who never shied from expressing feelings, vulnerability i see always more clearly that without the strife, messiness, abandonment of censorship some intangible connection irretrievable, invaluable would have been lost. It is moving from the photo how you "see" your parents for all their humanity and love them so and it begs the question with all the distracting performative success whether Hannah's own kids will have that opportunity later in their lives. Look forward to next instalments even if they are staring into the doube barrell shotgun of erk November. xo
Apple, thank you for this generous comment. I appreciate that I'm able to admit to my emotional imperfections because they come in a context of stability. It's different to advocate emotional expression when the baseline is secure attachment. And yet: I look at all the parents who weren't able to be calm and cool 90% of the time and I wonder--what were those people dealing with in the systems around them? As you said, women of your mom's generation were pushed into such narrow spaces--constrictive to anyone's spirit--but I would imagine especially to a person of your mom's caliber. I would've exploded with rage on a daily basis had I been a mother through most of the 20th century. Of that I'm certain.
this was so great! as always. how to square one's feminism with the conviction to "be there" as a mother, it's an interesting challenge...i was going to type out my thoughts on daniel neeleman that nobody asked for but i will save for maine, hehe. xo!!
Just tucked a notepad under my folded long unders.
This made me cry 🥲 Plz write forever!!
VIOLET! I hope to. Readers like you really keep the inspiration up.
There’s that old lit lesson about the Madonna-whore dichotomy. Both roles are marginalized and lacking in agency in a way. Which makes me think about the five stances Mary takes in annunciation paintings—astonishment, reflection, inquiry, submission, merit. You can tell her state of mind in these paintings by the position of her hands and eyes. The telling feature of “merit” is that she is alone. The archangel is gone.
Anyway, I’m rambling, but what I’m thinking about is the way sex is the subtext to all this. It’s literally part of who the Madonna is. She’s defined by its absence as much as a prostitute is defined by its presence. And the influencer you mention—well, I mean, 8 kids. That suggests a lot of sex, probably.
I’m cynical and angry the way I see women treated like second-class citizens *at best,* so don’t put too much stock into what I’m saying, but women’s sex and sexuality and motherhood and abortion—I feel it’s all shot through with male ideas about, and desire for, sex. Which gets all tangled up with controlling women—in everything, from how they’re named and depicted to how they use their own bodies.
Hi! I was finished typing a reply and it deleted! Please forgive me if you get this same message twice. I want to say first: please can you go on? Your ramblings had me at the edge of my chair. Where can I read more about Mary's postures?? Also, I wonder if you're familiar with the gnostic gospels and in particular the gospel of Mary Magdalene? Some posit that she was Jesus' lover and that she had the closest access to his teachings, which was, basically: the kingdom of God is inside of each of us. Directly. No intermediary required. Can you imagine how that would've shaped civilization? But of course you can't build power structures around individual sovereignty so the early papacy destroyed her writings and her reputation.
I didn't think at all about the sex the Neeleman's are having, but you are so spot on to point out the subtext. You bringing it up makes me appreciate how I've been wanting to write about my own sexuality--how it wasn't safe until it was grounded in a steady partner. I cut myself off from so much of the world in my youth because the male gaze felt predatory and frightening and my sexuality was a weapon I didn't realize I was wielding. So much of my vitality was buried and lost when I realized how frightened I was, and how much I could hurt people, too.
I'm trying to turn the aging process into a reclamation instead of a loss. Because honestly, so much can come forth now that a sexual identity isn't the (imposed) headline. I can stare with my mouth wide open on the subway because nobody's looking at me anymore!!
Please respond with all the rambling your time permits. I'll appreciate everything.
I’m also wanting more of this rambling! I agree there’s something connecting all this with our sexual shame. It’s compelling!
omg Isabel. I’m speechless. you’ve richly articulated some of what I felt as a young mother many years ago AND you’ve kindled memories of my own very busy mother when I was a child (yes, my longing and her smell and perfume!). thank you, as always, for a superlative read.
Debbie, I'm so grateful for your astute readership. I have two of your pieces in my queue and plan to write more generously, but quick! While I'm with you... your profile of Abigail Thomas was one of the true joys of my autumn. Thank you for introducing her to my reading life!
This last pair of essays it out of me: I'm not good at the sweeping, cultural stuff, but they were tugging at my pant leg all summer and just had to be managed. (Creative inspiration is more like an irksome toddler than a romantic muse for me, I guess.) You reflecting back the value of making meaning of these years keeps me going. I cannot thank you enough.
It is legit UNCANNY how much of my story (and myself) I see in yours (and you)! When you wrote "Well, shit, guess this is a mom blog" I was like "That could have been the title of my next post!" And then you came out with this, which I ALSO have been wanting to write! I agree with everything you say! I also am a progressive feminist raised by an amazing woman who worked too much, and it was always my dream to be the breadwinner while my partner stayed home with the kids, and I had the beginnings of that (minus the kids) with my first husband who turned out to be a not nice guy. And I saw all my mom friends STRUGGLING HARD and was like "Hmm, maybe I DON'T want that" so when I married a second time, I became the trad wife! Uh WHUT?! Yes, feminists can be trad wives and yes, motherhood is amazing and empowering! And also yes, that article was fascinating and I also agreed that we needed more honesty there, which clearly she wasn't giving, only her coldsores. Anyway, terrific post you wrote here. I laughed along and then I cried when you talked about your mom, who is amazing.
Summer, I felt the same when I discovered your writing thanks to a rec by Van Miranda. I was like THIS WOMAN is speaking the truth. I think it was 4am and I raced to read as much of your stuff as I could before the kids got up. I think of you so often with all the pieces that still need to be written... Especially the anxieties I have for my sons, who I send into the world every day with their tenderness intact, but ever-threatened. Am I doing them a disservice not teaching them to be mean? It's a scary, cutting world. They are feeling the reverb already. Your work really matters to me. I'm so glad we're doing this together. (Maybe we should do more together??) xx
PLEASE do something together - I would love to hear you in conversation! Your substacks are two of my favorite places to read and reflect on motherhood.
Thank you, Whitney! I'm into it!
WE SHOULD! I would love that! Not sure how, but I love Google docs, lol!
Your question "Am I doing them a disservice not teaching them to be mean?" is one I've considered often. I remember one time my husband, an old school Alaskan guy who is only now learning to accept his sensitive side, was being, in my opinion, too hard on my son, kinda mean. I think he was "playing," as he put it. I told him to knock it off, and my husband responded, "You don't know what it's like for boys out there. I have to be like this to him so he learns how to be in the world." That really got me thinking.
I adore you! You are a really stunning writer. Was traveling with you just then.
Gracie, I am so grateful to you, always. Your writing is endlessly transporting to me as well... your photos in particular. Have I told you about the envy I have over your writing desk? And the wormhole I once went into that is Worlds End farm??
Oh my gosh, Isabel!! Simply obsessed with you. Ok worlds end farm….is a very special place. Keep an eye on when their winter residencies pop up, would highlyyyy recommend if you can slip away for a few days.
I've been plotting an escape since 2014! Maybe this is the year!!
Isabel, you are my go to writer about being a mother and a parent.
David that is an honor coming from someone so dedicated to family life. My greatest aspiration is to have the ongoing closeness you and yours share.
Isabel, I agree with so much of what you said here. I do think that social media magnifies the problem for mothers: the unrealistic expectations, the unseen grit, the unfair judgments. Since this topic has been written about ad nauseum, I won't belabor it here, but I will say that there's something to the visuals vs. the written presentations of motherhood. This is why I enjoy Substack (for now) over the original social media giants.
It's all so tiring--both motherhood (in and of itself) and the act of being a mother in American society. I've resorted to making deeper and truer connections with other moms IRL as opposed to online. However, Substack has allowed me to make those deeper, truer connections digitally with more mothers (like you!) who are also writers (an area that has been difficult to forge IRL). It's been such a relief to be in company with other writers who are also parents. They get the struggle: the unattainable balance.
With that said, I'd like to invite you over to my space, Human/Mother! You can start here: https://katrinadonhamwrites.substack.com/p/anne-bradstreet-and-me
Yes! Thank you, Katrina. It's true that a picture is worth a thousand words--but maybe it can bury a thousand words, too? Writing requires such unspooling and nuance; it's a journey, not a snapshot. I will check out your work, I'm so grateful to be in your company!
You put your finger on something that has been bothering me since that article came out, it is the lack of humaneness, the grit of motherhood, the aching to do it right but pretty sure you are messing them up. It does not look so neat and tidy. You also made me realize a big point of disconnection with my own mother...you cannot reach someone who is performing, thank you for all of this.
Emma, I am so so grateful to you for being here and so glad that this landed. I have a couple of friends with parents who presented as calm and put-together at all times. Conflict was not 'allowed.' It has been hard for those folks to express their own emotions as adults--they have shame for even experiencing many of their feelings. I've come to appreciate that the performance is a kind of cruelty: a standard you're giving kids that they themselves can never live up to. Not just because the performance is alienating to them as children, but because it sets a standard that's impossible to maintain in healthy adulthood.
Yes, I mean my house growing up was immaculate at all times like children didn’t live there and I struggle with embracing the messy house with a toddler. But I’m realizing that was a performance, about keeping up appearance and a need to control, an impossible standard to live up to indeed.
Electric read ⚡️ Brilliant every word.
My deepest gratitude to you for being my first reader to respond with the lightning emoji. ❤️🔥
Right after my daughter was born, I started my advertising business. I took her to meetings with me when she was just a baby. If a client didnt like it, too bad. 😂 No one said a word. But I dont see why we have to compromise parenting for a career. Why cant we have both? Why cant people support our decision to feel fulfilled professionally and personally? We need their help to do that. I was a single parent for most of those early years. I'm pretty sure my daughter, now 42, is mad that she didnt have a white picket fence life growing up so she has created one for herself now. And thats great. But it has always been in my DNA to work and feel challenged professionally. And I dont think the Republican attempts to keep women in their homes having babies will work...women are angry and resent being told what to do by a bunch of old white guys. And if we chose not to have children, that needs to be ok, too.
Susan, you are my HERO. I can't understand how people don't see motherhood as the most refining and galvanizing force for a career woman. I was never more productive or engaged than when I was an attorney, needing to get home to put the kids to bed. I was pure focus and efficiency. All of these choices are so nuanced and personal; for us, we couldn't have two parents wiped out and ragged, fighting for scraps of free time. And my husband's job just made more money, so that was that. I pulled back and--like your daughter--I get to try on some new identities, and it's been fun. As the kids grow, I appreciate my mother's work more and more. She is a role model for them, too.
I know you'll agree that the opportunities for connection that the Internet affords us has turned the landscape upside down. It's no longer women trapped at home, isolated and silent. It'll never be that way again. And anybody who thinks you can legislate family values is just... insane. I joke that these GOP hardliners are like bees in autumn. All panicky and aggressive because they know their time's up. They gotta sting everything while they still can.
Completely agree with you.... AND.... Bees in autumn! OMG! YES! That made me think immediately of the time I hit a bees nest in the ground with a weed trimmer when I volunteered in a historic cemetery. Honey, you havent lived till you've seen a middle aged woman ripping her shirt off running thru a cemetery, screaming. 😂😂 And I will leave you with that vision. 🤣
Well, you had a good set of witnesses. They’ll never tell.
There’s kind of an irony in feminism devaluing family to the point of devaluing the actual thing that 100% only women are capable of.
This culture doesn’t value the struggle anymore, the honor in soreness. That’s where hope is made
I'd never thought of it in such simple terms, and wow... so true. I've never felt my power or capacity as much as I do as a mother. But that's because I have a partner who values my effort. And yet, the fact that my power depends on his support doesn't make it feel diminished. Maybe the feminist blindspot is equating power with independence. Because in my lived experience, power has come from deep, connected reciprocity.
This was really beautifully written. I was not able to have my own children. However, I am working on certifying to become a foster mother. I am a political independent that has both progressive and conservative ideas. I don’t identify with the closed mindedness of polarity. Personally, I think giving birth, no matter how you do it, is one of the most, if not the most badass thing you can do with your body and mind. To go to the edge of your own life to collect another soul… It is something I wish I could do.
Julia, I'd never thought of giving birth the way you describe, and now I'll never think of otherwise: going to the edge of your own life to collect another soul. I keep typing and deleting responses to your words. Mine are inadequate by comparison. I am so deeply grateful and I look forward to following your journey.
Isabel, thank you! My mom always told me that a pregnant woman always has one foot in her life and one in her grave. Said to protect her child, she’s willing to lay down her own body, to be ripped open, even sacrificed. I always thought of birth as that. An altar. A willingness to completely surrender. It is much less likely for women to die during childbirth these days. But it is certainly not impossible. Talk about stepping out on faith for love.